Therapy
by verinthalia1
Summary: Set after 'Older and Far Away' the whole cast gets the help they need. AU
1. Default Chapter

TITLE: Therapy  
  
PART 1/Chapter 1 AUTHOR: Verinthalia DISCLAIMED: Town and Character owned by Joss and ME, except Jule She is mine RATING: at this point nothing stronger than ice tea but eventually R STORY PREMISE: Finally there is a good therapist in Sunnydale  
  
This was published earlier, but I was unhappy with a lot of the character interaction, and some of the actions, so please read. Love reviews. Will continue, some chapters will be long others short, I write in 'scenes' like the show. If you wish to offer advice or critique please do not do so anonymously, I'd like to talk it over with you. I do not flame or rant. This is my first fanfic, but not my first authoring of fiction. I'm trying to follow the show's story line and include all the characters in sessions.   
  
Buffy and Tara sat at the research table at 'The Magic Box', discussing Dawn's actions and reasons at the birthday party.  
  
"Dawn really needs to talk to a therapist but what good would it do? They would only haul her off to the funny farm if she told the truth, and the talking in metaphors stuff would just get in the way of any real help" Buffy sighed.  
  
"N-no I think I know Sssomeone who could be of help" Tara offered.  
  
"Who some sort of demon therapist?" Buff moaned.  
  
"No NO really, she's very human and just opened a practice about 2 doors from here, Her name is J. M. Thalia. I met her at the coffee shop and she said how much she admired pure wiccans, straight off, "  
  
Buffy giggled "well I'd say that too if someone told me they were."  
  
"I-I-I didn't tell her, she just knew it as soon as she shook my hand. I ask her how, and she said that she knew. We talked about how nice Sunnydale was, and she surprised me by saying that the reason she moved here was b- b- because it was on a hellmouth."  
  
"Oh, and Fabulous,"Buffy gapped at Tara, "She's probably here to try and reopen it."  
  
"I don't think so," Tara sighed, "She told me she walked away from an organization that tracks the supernatural, because they didn't agree that demons needed and deserved therapy as much as humans."  
  
"OH oh oh," blurted Buffy, "Maybe I should get Dawn an appointment with her, She just down the street you said?"  
  
"Uh huh".  
  
Buffy walked out of the 'Magic Box' and down the street, there she saw a small store front with a sign in the window that read  
  
J. M. Thalia  
  
Licensed Psychologist & Therapist  
Specializing in  
Individual Couples and Families  
Of all species  
  
Buffy shook her head, took a deep breath and entered the door to the jangle of bells. She looked around and liked the homey atmosphere; there were plants, comfy looking chairs and a neat little desk with new computer sitting on it, standing in front of a partially closed door. Just then a very pleasant alto voice called from the back "Just a moment" and then she heard crisp footstep approach from the back, the door swung open an a middle-aged woman who stood about 5'6 with auburn hair entered the reception area.  
  
"Good morning! May I help you?" the woman asked.  
  
"Um uhu, I hope so", stammered Buffy, damn something about her remind me of both mom and Giles she extended her hand to be firmly shaken and said, "I need to set an appointment for my sister."  
  
"I am Dr. Thalia, and Of course, Slayer, and when would be the best time?" she responded.  
  
"What did you call me, "?  
  
"Slayer or would you rather I called you Ms. Summers? You are Buffy Summers aren't you?"  
  
"How did you know that?" Buffy's eyes flashed.  
  
"I have precognitive ESP, and well as tactile empathy"  
  
"HUH!"  
  
"That means all I have to do is shake you hand to read who you are"  
  
Buffy gave her head a quick shake and stammered, "So you can read my mind?"  
  
"No No not at all, I only catch your surface thoughts, you public identity as it were."  
  
"Oh, I though I mean I, um wouldn't that mean that you patient didn't need to see for as long, how do you support your self like that?"  
  
"Well no it doesn't really cut therapy time, but it does help to get off to a faster start. And I prefer to call them clients. Patients are sick. Clients just need guidance and vision."  
  
"Oh well, um I need to.."  
  
Buffy, may I call you Buffy?  
  
Yeah, Yes Please"  
  
"I was just going to have lunch would you care to join me?"  
  
"I'm afraid I'm a little short on funds right now..."  
  
"Oh no my dear I meant I was going up to my apartment upstairs to fix lunch won't you please join me?"  
  
"Ok. Sure I guess" weird thought Buffy.  
  
Dr. Thalia led Buffy through the office, no couch in here thought Buffy, just a bunch of really comfy looking chairs and boy she has as more bookcases than Giles I'll bet, they turned to the first door on the right and climbed the stairs. As they entered Dr. Thalia's apartment, Buffy felt even more at relaxed and comforted, almost as if she had come home. The space was light, airy, and not all ruffles and lacey. But it felt safe and nurturing.  
  
"Doctor, I really like the way you have decorated, it looks neat, and feels so comfortable"  
  
"Please call me Jule" she replied." and Thank you it's just home to me."  
  
She set out sandwich ingredients, and poured iced tea. Then lead Buffy to the rooftop sun porch off her kitchen.  
  
About 3 hours later Buffy left the office, with a little more spring in her step, and her shoulders a little straighter.  
  
That evening at home as she and Dawn sat down to dinner, she broached the subject.  
  
"Em, Dawn I made an appointment today for us to see someone... A therapist, to um help us figure out..."  
  
"NO NO" shrieked Dawn; "I am not going to see some head shrinker there is nothing wrong with me". As she slammed down her fork.  
  
"Dawn, I didn't say there was something wrong with you; if there is anyone that's WRONG it's me. And I need you to help me figure it out and fix it."  
  
"Whaaaaa?? Buffy. There's nothing wrong with you it all my fault, you died because of me, I don't I can't I..." Dawn cried out and started weeping,  
  
"Dawnie Listen to me, I haven't been dealing with things or handling things well at all since Mom died, much less since I came back. So today I went and talked to Jule, I like her, she just what Sunnydale needs, She is a 'Precognitive –Empathy' something or other and she knows all about the hellmouth so I can really talk to her, and what I tell won't hurt you or my friends, and I can get some really good advice, I think what sold me on her is she was employed by the Watcher's Council for several years, and she told 'em about the same thing I did, when they refused to accept that other species could use some help to. And ...."  
  
"B-b-but Buffy we don't have any money for this... "Stammered Dawn.  
  
"Dawnie that the great part, she has agreed to see us both you and me separately once a week and once a week jointly, if I let her post a little sign inside that says,  
  
Warding provided by The Fates,  
Enforcement by Slayer."  
  
"What, she expects you to be like some sort of rent a cop???" Exclaimed the teen-ager.  
  
"Nuh, the Fates' Wards will be enough but just to keep anyone from thinking about trying anything my title will give that little extra umpff"  
  
"I think it's a great idea, you wanna know why,....' Cause you just said your title, not your calling", smirked Dawn. 


	2. Therapy Chapter 2

Chapter 2/Therapy Disclaimer in chapter 1  
  
Two days later, Buffy arrived at Jule's office for her first session. After they had snuggled into their seats, Jule ask Buffy to just go over her life and the changes in it for the last 12 months.  
  
"Well, I guess it would be easier to just tell you a Quick version up to new." Buffy blathered. "You already know I am the Slayer, and my first love was Angel, the vampire with a soul, but because of his curse we can never be together. He left town on my High School graduation, after we stopped the Mayor ascension. I started UC Sunnydale in fall of '99."  
  
She sighed, "I dated one guy, and as soon as I slept with him he dumped me. So I was a little leery of Riley when we started to date, and then I found out that he was in this secret government group called the Initiative, it kind of went all meltdowny, just about the time the monks change The Key to a hell dimension into a younger sister for me, that's Dawn by the way."  
  
"Did you want them to do that?" asked Jule.  
  
"Oh, I didn't know it at the time, no one did, they planted all these fake memories in everyone. That was when I got hurt pretty bad on patrol one night. I went to Spike, you do know who Spike is?"  
  
"I've heard of him but why don't you tell me who he is?"  
  
Buffy sat up straight and plunged on, "He was one of Angelus' 'Family' . He's also known as 'William the Bloody' part of the Scourge of Europe."  
  
She went on in a singsong recitation, "See Angelus was turned by Darla, She was turned by the Master aka Heinrich Nest, but I dusted him to stop his ascension. Then Angelus turned Drusilla, and boy is she loony tunes."  
  
Buffy shook her head, "Then she turned Spike but Angelus had to 'train' him. So Spike, who was William before he was turned, stayed with Dru the nut case for over 100 yrs. She was hurt in Prague and he thought that is he brought her to the Hellmouth it would help heal her. He wanted to kill a slayer for her."  
  
She drew a deep breath, "But I am not into being Prozac for the insane vamps of the world. And he became my mortal enemy after I dropped a church organ on him."  
  
She drawled out the next sentence, "Well around the time I started to date Riley, they broke up for good, and he blamed me. He decided to come back and kill me for himself, only the Initiative that Riley was working with was catching Vamps, demons, and other ooglie booglies and putting hardware in their heads and other Dr. Frankenstein kinda stuff. They caught Spike and put a microchip in his brain."  
  
She fairly chirped, "Now he's not dangerous to physically dangerous to humans in anyway, but he does have a way for almost drawing blood with his words. If he tries anything physical he gets instant migraines. Where was I headed?"  
  
She seemed to stall, "Oh, oh yeah, when I was hurt, Spike was earning money by doing odd jobs for the scoobies..."  
  
"Excuse me, the Scoobies?"  
  
"Oh that's just what we call ourselves."  
  
"Who calls themselves?"  
  
"Xander and his fiancée Anya, she's a 1120 year old ex-vengeance demon, Willow and Tara, they're both Wiccans but Willow is in recovery, Giles, my ex-watcher, but he moved back to England, and I guess Dawn my sister."  
  
"And why do you call yourselves Scoobies?"  
  
"I think it was Xander who said we were solving mysteries like the Scooby- Do Gang, and I guess it just stuck... but I was in a funk over messing up and getting hurt, so I thought I'd pay Spike to tell me how he did it."  
  
"Did what?"  
  
"He's killed two slayers before."  
  
"I see."  
  
"But I wanted to know what I did wrong so I met him at the Bronze and he of course was doing his 'I'm the Big Bad ' act, and going on about the fighting really being dancing, that eventually all slayers developed a death wish, all it would take is for some demon or vamp to have just 'one good day' and that kind of thing."  
  
She shuddered, "And then he tried to kiss me, and said something about I wanted him too. I slugged him and told him, he was beneath me."  
  
"I guess it majorly pissed him off, 'cause that was the night I found out my Mom was sick, she was going into the hospital for a CAT scan, and I guess I just had the blues or PMS, but I was sitting on the back porch crying when Spike showed up with a huge shotgun, he was going to kill m. I don't know why, but he put it down and came over sat down next to me and let me cry on his shoulder I guess you could say."  
  
"That's an extraordinary amount of emotional baggage for so short a time..."  
  
Buffy was again babbling, "Oh, that's just the beginning. Glorificus shows up. She was some kind of skanky hell god in search of the Key. Dawn was the Key. Then Riley started feeling all left out and weak and doubting our relationship cause I had to be there for Mom and Dawn, and the Initiative had removed his chip and taken him off the steroid cocktail that made him super commando guy."  
  
She searched for the words, "Emasculated, is the word I think. You know not sure of himself because I wam the slayer and all. And before we could take out Glory, he splits for some black ops army thing in South America."  
  
She paused for breath, "That was when Dawn started to hang around Spike trying to find out why she was different. Damn him, he helped her to find out about the Key stuff. Of course he said he only did it to protect her."  
  
She hissed the next sentence, "Dru showed back up. Christ, then Spike kidnapped me an offered to kill Dru to prove that he loved me. I mean really vampires can't love."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Well he claimed to be in 'Love' with me, but vampires don't have souls, they're demons. How can they love?"  
  
"Is love an emotion?"  
  
"Of course!"  
  
"Do you believe that a soul is required to have emotions?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"What do you call 'Blood Lust' if it isn't an emotion?"  
  
"Vamps only feel rage and hate!"  
  
"Lust, Rage, and Hate are EMOTIONS! Just like love."  
  
Buffy caught her breath, "Ooooh"  
  
"I believe that blood lust is an addiction, and an addict will do whatever it take to supply that addiction."  
  
She sat in contemplation for a few minutes, then like a switch was thrown, she plunged on, "Then my Mom died, not from the brain tumor. I came home and found her on the couch, she was lying there like she was asleep but her eyes were open. They said it was an aneurysm, and I couldn't have done anything even if I had been there."  
  
Drawing a sobbing breath she continued, "My Dad who was somewhere in Europe, couldn't come and couldn't be reached. I had to handle everything and take care of Dawn. The scoobies try to help but they don't get it. I'm the one that is responsible. This isn't like babysitting."  
  
Shaking off her petulance, "Glory found out that the Key was a someone not a thing and she came after my friends and what was left of my family. For some reason she thought Spike was the Key. I guess it was because of the 'Buffybot'. So she kidnapped him, than when she found out he wasn't the key, she tortured him."  
  
Deep in remembrance she continued, "She figured he would tell who the Key was. I was so afraid he would, he had sold me out before when somebody made him a better offer. But she beat the hell out of him for almost 24 hours."  
  
Her face reflected awe as she said, "I don't know how he survived, but he did and he didn't tell her ANYTHING. That was when she brain sucked Tara and found out the Key was Dawn. I knew I couldn't stop her so we ran."  
  
"Who ran?"  
  
Dawn, Giles, Willow, Tara, Anya, Xander, Spike, and I, but I failed. She caught up to us and took Dawn. She was going to bleed her to open the portal. We fought her, Willow got Tara's mind back, and they used witchcraft. Anya and Xander used heavy construction equipment. Giles Spike and I just fought."  
  
"Spike got up the tower to Dawn, but this demon guy named 'Doc' stabbed him and threw him off the tower, and started cutting Dawn. I used a troll hammer to beat Glory to a pulp, and then I went after him."  
  
But it was too late, the portal was opening, and since the monks used my blood to make Dawn, I jumped off the tower, the portal closed, and I died."  
  
"One of those into the light but I came back to life experiences?"  
  
Oh no, Dead and buried. I was dead for 147 days. Spike counted every one. But Willow, Tara, Xander, and Anya, I think it was mostly Wil, cast a resurrection spell to bring me back, they got interrupted the night those biker demons trashed town, and thought it didn't work."  
  
Buffy shuddered, "But it did and they left me in my coffin, I had to claw my way out."  
  
She seemed to drift off, "I was in heaven, I was loved, and it was soft, warm, safe and peaceful. I was done. It was completed. Then bam I'm in a coffin, digging out to fight demons, everything was hard, harsh, and bright. They were all over me with 'Buffy we're happy, you're back, we saved you, you're not in hell anymore'. Now I'm the one in charge. And Dawn is screwed up, Social Services are on my case, and everyone expects me to handle everything. But I can't. I'm messing up."  
  
"The most stressful things that can occur in a lifetime are:  
1 The death of a parent, spouse, or child.  
  
2 The loss of a spouse, i.e. relationship collapse.  
  
3 Responsibility changes such as birth or adoption, and Marriage.  
  
You poor girl have suffered through all three of the biggest stressors in life in less then 12 months. I am quite surprised you are able to function at all."  
  
"So I'm not crazy?"  
  
"Good heavens, no. You do need to work on several issues, and find ways to rid yourself of some of these burdens, but we will work on that in your private sessions. I will see you in three days for a join session with Dawn, until then think about explaining what is causing you stress to her. Please relax some, take a bubble bath. Let go of some of the tension, the world will not spin off its axis if you aren't perfect."  
  
"Thanks Jule, I'm just so tired."  
  
"I can see that, I'll see you on Friday, our time for today is up I'm afraid."  
  
"Just one question?"  
  
"OK"  
  
"What does the J.M. stand for?"  
  
"Julianna Moira"  
  
"God I thought 'Elizabeth Buffy Anne' was bad." She giggled.  
  
Buffy left the Dr's office and headed home to Revello Dr, to wait for Dawn. 


	3. Therapy Chapter 3

  
  
Declaimer in chapter 1  
  
Sorry it took so long had trouble getting into Dawn's head   
  
Buffy stopped by the grocery store on her way home, and was cooking dinner when Dawn finally came in from school.  
  
"Hey Dawn, how was school today?" she asked.  
  
"It was, "murmured Dawn "What smells so good?"  
  
"I thought I might do a little cooking, ya know, kinda sick of DMP cuisine."  
  
"So what are you cooking?" Dawn quizzed.  
  
"We're gonna have pot roast, with veggies. I used mom's recipe."  
  
"Cool, it smells as good as hers, hope it taste as good" Replied Dawn, " How did it go today with the therapist?"  
  
"Good I think, I had like run on mouth, I yammered the whole time." Buffy stirred the pot on the stove.  
  
"Oh great! Now she gonna think I'm a real loser!" snarked Dawn.  
  
"I did not talk about you. I just told her about me and all the dreck that is my life. "snapped Buffy.  
  
Dawn sulked, "Sure whatever"  
  
Buffy purred back," But tomorrow you get to see her all by yourself."  
  
The next afternoon Dawn walked down the sidewalk toward Dr. Thalia's office with a slump shouldered, drag footed gait. She paused outside the door and drew herself up, pulled her shoulders back tilted her head off to the side, almost a junior version of Spike's swagger. She shoved the door open and marched in slamming the door behind herself.  
  
"Hello you must be Dawn," said Jule.  
  
"Yeah I'm here to see the shrink" Dawn snarled.  
  
"There isn't one here" replied Jule," But I am Dr. Thalia a therapist" as she offered hand to be shaken.  
  
Dawn grudgingly shook hands.  
  
"I am sure that gets harder and harder to carry around" Jule said.  
  
"Huh, What are you talking about?" snapped the irritated teen.  
  
"Why that monstrous chip on your shoulder! Would you like to come in the office and set it down for a short while?" Jule walked ahead and into her office.  
  
Dawn stomped after her, entered the office and flung herself into the overstuffed chair nearest the door.  
  
"Well, aren't you going to start with the 20 questions? "snapped Dawn.  
  
"No, I think you have the questions, and today I'll try to answer them for you." Offered Jule.  
  
"Oh that's just great, I can tell Buffy has filled you in on what a hopeless, lost and confused twit that she thinks I am."  
  
"Actually, No. She did tell me how you came to be her sister, and she is very worried that it is her fault that you are in pain." Answered Jule.  
  
"Oh great. There goes Saint Buffy the Martyr. She 's so perfect; she's the 'Chosen One'. She has all the scoobies and Spike adores her. But Dawn is just an inconvenience"  
  
Jule looked at Dawn and asked, "Do you really feel that way?"  
  
"Why should I answer you, you'll just tell her what a pathetic jerk I am."  
  
"Listen to me, I am bound by a code of ethics. I can not divulge anything a client tell me in session, with one exception, That is If I truly believe they are a danger to themselves or others. Even then I cannot tell what is said to me. I am however bound by law to warn either the person in danger and/or the authorities that may stop the actions. Do you understand that?"  
  
"So I can tell you anything and you won't tell Buffy?" quizzed Dawn.  
  
"Anything but a REAL threat to yourself or someone else" Jule responded.  
  
"Cool"  
  
"So do you really feel like you are just an inconvenience?"  
  
"Yeah, I mean I was Created, not born, by a bunch of crazy monks from a glob of green swirly mystical energy that was the key to a dimensional portal to hell only 18 months ago. I mean they gave everybody memories of my supposed life up to that time. But I don't have anyone in my life that loves me or even care what I want or feel or anything except for Spike."  
  
"Who is Spike?" queried Jule.  
  
"He's my only friend, but he's in love with Buffy. I mean Buffy has all these friends from school, and she has like ex-boyfriends, and the Scoobies. She knows that Mom loved her cause she really is her daughter, I don't think she every really loved me, sometimes I think she died so she didn't have to take care of me." sighed Dawn, blinking back tears.  
  
"Dawn, you honestly think that your Mom willed herself dead to avoid you?"  
  
"No I guess that kind of dumb huh? Just dumb Dawn "  
  
"Dawn you are not Dumb, You just have had a lot to handle and have been handling it with very little or no help at all. That's why you here with me now. Your sister realizes you both need someone you can talk to who can ask you the right questions and maybe you'll find the answers you need. You can say anything to me, and because I am not family or a friend you don't have to hide your feelings, what ever you say I won't be offended, get angry, or withdraw from you. Do you understand?"  
  
"You mean I can really say anything?"  
  
"Well yes, but please don't use our time as a practice ground for cursing or vulgarity. I am not say you can be vulgar or curse, but just don't go overbroad, communication is what we really need here."Jule sighed, "So who is Spike?"  
  
"Oh, He's the one person who doesn't treat me like some kind of lame brain, or fragile THING. He is a vampire but see he's got this microchip in his head that doesn't let him hurt humans, if he does he gets these really killer headaches. He said it's like an explosion or something inside his brain."  
  
"I see,... he treats you differently than anyone else? How?" "Well, I mean I'm 15 years old, jeez, but Buffy thinks I need someone to BABYSIT me all the time. All the Scoobies treat me like I'm a little kid; Anya actually patted me on the head and talked to me like I was a 3 year old at Buffy's party. Willow still calls me 'Dawnie' and uses this super sweet daycare teacher kind of voice. Xander. Oh god Xander, he chucks me under the chin and gives me nuggies like I'm a 9 yr old tomboy or something, He even calls me 'Dawnmiester' Ugh! Tara is Ok most of the time, but she get real embarrassed or changes the subject if I even try to talk about anything like boys, or dating, and especially Researching, patrolling or witchcraft."  
  
"Researching and patrolling? What is that?"  
  
"That 's looking up info for Buffy to use and going through the cemeteries to kill vamps, and demons, and stuff."  
  
"What do you think is normal for a girl your age?"  
  
"I --- I mean I know what Buffy does, she's the bloody slayer, She was called to fight Evil, and that means she has to go out at night and kill all these big old ooglie booglie things, and now that Giles has moved back to England, he was her watcher, she sometimes needs help in finding out how to kill the demons. I do know about sex from school and I do have my period, jeez, it would be great if I could talk to somebody about it. I mean I'd like to start going out on dates or group things you know."  
  
"Is there someone in particular?"  
  
"No, is just, I wish, OH shit NO I don't 'WISH' I would like to be able to talk to someone about their life too."  
  
"Dawn why the adverse reaction to the I WISH statement?"  
  
"Halfrek! I got called out of class on Buffy's birthday to talk with a 'guidance councilor' who turned out to be a vengeance demon that cursed us all to be lock forever in the house together when I said That I wished people would not leave."  
  
"Dawn do you have any friends your own age?"  
  
"Just Janice, but I really hang out at her house just to be around her family, she kind of ----- She talked me into going out on Halloween to hang out with some High School guys that turned out to be Vampires. It's like all she is into are boys, clothes, and make-up."  
  
"Have you told Buffy that you want to talk to her, or have you tried?"  
  
"I've tried but she always seems to shut down or turn me off, then I get mad or run off to cry"  
  
"Why do you say that Spike treats you differently?"  
  
"Well he listens to me, and he talks to me about his life and stuff, he's not all judgey and stiff. He stayed with me all summer while Buffy was away."  
  
"Buffy was away, where was she?"  
  
Dawn face crumpled up, as she sighed deeply, "She was dead, she jumped off the tower to close the Portal that Glory had opened. Spike promised Buffy right before the battle that he would protect me 'till the end of the world' I mean, Yeah he's in love with Buffy, and she says he did it to impress her, but come on, she was dead and he still stay around. He really is my friend too ya know!?"  
  
"Yes I would say he is your friend. What sort of things did he tell you about his life?"  
  
"Oh we talked about when he was William, You know before he became a vampire, and stuff he did after he was turned. And crazy people he had met, and how things use to be. He's been around since 1850 something. Talking with him really helps my history grades. And He knows a bunch of stuffy old literature and stuff. I can just curl up and cry on him if I need to, and he doesn't get all 'it's ok, it's ok, hush don't cry. He just hugs me and let's me get him all wet. For the first month or so after Buffy died he would sleep on the floor in my room, 'cause I'd have nightmares about Glory and Doc, and I let him stay at the house with me during the day, 'cause I was afraid he'd go sunbathing or something."  
  
"So you're saying you grieved together?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"Did you share your grief with the others?"  
  
"Are you kidding, them were all in Egypt"  
  
"Egypt?"  
  
"You know the land of de-nial"  
  
Ha-ha "oh I see, Do you realize that you act and talk like a teenager about 60% of the time but that the other 40% you are very mature and wise?"  
  
"Really, Why do you think that is?" Dawn sat stunned.  
  
"Partially because you are physically a teenager, and because you have had to 'hit the ground running' as the embodiment of an ancient energy force"  
  
"I wish Buffy would see me that way. I mean since Willow, Tara, Anya and Xander brought her back, she hasn't been there. Her body is here but she's just gone. She's even run Spike off. He doesn't ever come over anymore, I can't blame him. Buffy's being such a Bitch to him, I wouldn't stick around either. But then she's gotten on the 'NO YOU WILL NOT GO TO HIS CRYPT ' jag so I can't even go see him. The only time I get to see him is at the 'Magic Box' and then everyone is being so Grr with each other."  
  
"Dawn, I hate to say this but our time is almost up, what I would like for you to do over the next day or so is to think about what you want to say to Buffy. Practice it in your head, or in the bathroom by yourself. Do not let yourself get angry, or overly emotional, then when you come for your session together I want you to talk to her. One other thing I want you to do is use positive statement 'I don't like..., It makes me feel...' when you deal with the people in your life. Do you think you can do that?"  
  
"Yeah, I have one more question though. Buffy said you're some kind of Empath or ESP thingy. What did you learn about me when I shook your hand?"  
  
"I learned that you are a deeply caring, very intelligent being, while you are not a simple15 year old, you still need to grow into who you are."  
  
"Oh. Well see ya later "chirped Dawn as she headed out the door and down the block to the Magic Box.  
  
Willow and Xander sat at the research table, Anya was behind the register and Spike was tucked into the metal stair case leading to the upper level, much like a cat curls up to nap in the most out of the way but still defendable spot it can find.  
  
Dawn squealed and rushed to Spike to deliver a sloppy kiss and a big hug.  
  
Xander grouched, "Hey Dawnmeister. Where's my hug?"  
  
Dawn answered, "Ask Anya for one. I like to give hugs to my friends who need and deserve 'em, and who listen when I talk."  
  
Xander stood sputtering "But...But.. Dawn I am your friend." He ended in a whine.  
  
"Maybe you are, but you don't listen to me. I've told you I hate it when you're mean to Spike. You still snark at him and hit on him when you know he can't hit you back. Anya loves to talk about gettin' physical with you so ask her for a hug."  
  
Xander sat gasping and sputtering like a landed fish.  
  
Dawn turned to Spike holding one hand as she spoke. "Spike you are my very best friend. I adore the way you listen when I talk, the way you let me be me. You don't treat me like a little kid or an obligation. You let me cry all over you and you don't mind getting wet." She stopped and giggled.  
  
"My new therapist told me to start speaking up in 'positive statements' and it's feels so good"  
  
Spike hugged and purred, "Always heard salt water was good for the complexion, sweet bit. Don't mind being your soddin' soggy pillow every now and again."  
  
Willow fluttered over whining, "But Dawnie.."  
  
"Willow my name is Dawn. I do not like kiddie names, or the way you sound when you whine at me like that."  
  
Anya piped in, "Sounds like a certain 'little girl' is grumpy"  
  
"Anya stop patronizing me. I am 15 years old not 3. Your failure to see that is starting to piss me off. Maybe you are getting senile after all you are over 1000 years old. Would you want me to treat you like a senior citizen?"  
  
"Hey Dawn no need to be all rude to Anya," snapped Xander.  
  
Spike stepped forward and straightened to his full height and took his 'I'm the Big Bad' stance. He drawled in a soft low voice that carried through the whole shop, "Dawn is being assertive, your bint is the rude one here. And you will all treat her with respect."  
  
His eyes flashed gold as he stared each one down. Just as the silence began to get uncomfortable Buffy hustled in from the training room, and came to a sudden stop sensing the tension in the room, "What's wrong?" She asked.  
  
"Dawn is growin' up and standin' up for herself 's all pet." Spike answered.  
  
"Thank goodness, I thought it was another apocalypse. Ready to head home Dawn?" She asked, as she turned and headed out the door.  
  
Dawn began to follow her then stopped, turned back, ran across the blonde and hugged him again, "Love ya' Spike see you later. TTFN scoobies." 


	4. Therapy Chapter 4

Chapter 4/Therapy Disclaimer in chapter 1  
  
At the house on Revello Dr. that Thursday evening, Dawn was in the bathroom taking her bath, Buffy stood outside in the hall heard her talking and called "What did you Say?"  
  
Dawn yelled back "Jeez, can't even talk to myself around here."  
  
"OK Fine" called an exasperated Buffy as she headed down the stairs to the kitchen.  
  
"Is Dawn Ok?" asked Willow as she finished loading the dishwasher.  
  
"I guess, she's having a serious sounding conversation with herself in the bathroom, "Buffy replied as she sat down with a quizzical look on her face. "It kinda makes me worried."  
  
"I think she's practicing a speech, she said something about having to be ready on Friday to speak up." Answered Willow, "I wouldn't worry about it."  
  
"Thanks Will, I was thinking maybe she was loosing it or something, but I remember doing the same thing in high school for a lit class" I really need to get a grip not everything has to be about the Hellmouth thought Buffy to herself.  
  
"Um are you going out to patrol right now? "  
  
"I thought I'd go out a little later. Why do you need to go out or talk or something?"  
  
"Well I was kinda wanting to talk to you, I was --- I'm curious. Dr. Thalia, I –um—I mean—I think maybe I ought to see her. Do you think it would be a good idea?" Willow finally stammered out her question.  
  
"You know I have only had one session with her, but I think it would be great. I mean I felt like it is helping. You know how when you keep a thought to yourself and it runs around and around in your brain until it gets all confused. But you can say it out loud to her, and it doesn't matter it you say it right or if your going to hurt her feelings, you can say it." Buffy replied.  
  
"Oh" whispered Willow.  
  
"You remember those Rwasudi demons and how time went all David Lynch, Well sometimes my thoughts do that if I don't say them to somebody, and it's like I afraid to say anything to the people I care about 'cause I don't want to sound like I'm loosing it. Do you understand?" Buffy said.  
  
Willow smiled, "Yeah I do, I think I do need to see her. Thanks Buff."  
  
"Was there anything else you needed Wil?"  
  
"No that was all, Thank for being here."  
  
"I guess I'll head out, See ya later"  
  
"Be careful, Night"  
  
"Night Wil" She replied as she headed out the door. 


	5. Therapy Chapter 5

Chapter 5/ Therapy Disclaimer in chapter 1  
  
Friday afternoon Buffy is waiting for Dawn at the 'Magic Box' Anya is the only other person there.  
  
The door opens and the bell jingles as Dawn strolls in, "Hey Buffy, you ready to go?" questions Dawn.  
  
"You seem all eager beaverish, so how was your speech today?"  
  
"What speech?"  
  
"Wil said you had to give a speech today, the one you've been practicing in the bathroom and your room for the last two nights." Buffy answered with a puzzled look on her face.  
  
"Oh, that's not for school. Come on I want to go!" Dawn snapped as she spun and plunged out the door.  
  
With a confused look she waved, "see ya Anya" and followed Dawn down the street.  
  
At the Dr's office, as the girls entered the reception area, Jule called to them as they shut the front door, "Come on back. You can help me set up for your session."  
  
Dawn and Buffy looked at each other, shrugged and headed into the office. Jule was moving one if the easy chairs into the middle of the room. She turned and asked, "Can you move another chair over here to the back of this one, please?"  
  
"Color me confused," said Dawn, "But why two chairs back to back?"  
  
"Today I would like you to talk to each other about what is wrong with your individual lives, what worries you have, what the other does that bugs you, what you want to tell each other."  
  
She moved her chair parallel to the others. "I have found that it works better is you cannot see each other. Then you don't get sidetracked by facial expressions you really have to listen to hear the tone of voice and the emotions 'behind' the words."  
  
"Kinda like a confessional I guess." said Dawn.  
  
"What do you know about a confessional?" retorted Buffy with a baffled look on her face.  
  
"Sandy Edwards is my Biology lab partner, and she's catholic. We've talked about it in class." Dawn serenely answered.  
  
Buffy looked surprised, as she murmured, "Oh"  
  
"Shall we have a seat and get started?" Jule asked as she seated herself.  
  
The girls sat and looked to Jule. "Ok, I'd like one of you to tell the other what it is that is bothering you about your life, the other needs to sit be quiet and listen, when the first one is through, the second will speak. After you both have spoken, you will turn face one another and discuss the changes you need to make." Jule cleared her throat.  
  
"There will be no blaming, no name calling. This is to be a dialog. Do you understand?"  
  
Both girls mumbled the agreement. "Who wants to start?" Jules asked.  
  
"I do, I've been practicing" Dawn said.  
  
"Anytime you're ready," Jule replied.  
  
She took a deep breath and started, "Um, well OK here goes. Buffy I am 15 years old chronologically, I know I only came into existence 18 months ago as a human and I am not really your sister. The monks made me from your DNA so I'm more like your daughter. They gave everyone all these memories, but they gave me the experience to go with my life."  
  
She squirmed in her chair, "You have really lived, and you have all your friends and the scoobies are there for you. Yes, they are there for me too, but they are not 'my' friends." Dawn's voice became a little strident.  
  
"I only have deep memories of and with you and Mom. I know we live on the Hellmouth, and it's not safe, and I need to be careful, but PLEASE! I am not a little kid, I mean; I can stay at home alone. Glory is dead and you closed the portal." She bit off the words.  
  
"I don't need a babysitter. You were sitting for other people's kids when you were my age. You were starting to date, not that any guy is interested in me." She sadly murmured.  
  
"I mean I am not into any of the groups or clics at school, mainly because, I'm always being 'guarded' by you and the scoobies. You know if you or Spike would teach me some self-defense stuff then maybe you could relax and I could have a social life of my own." She pleaded.  
  
"Janice is ok for air headed gossipy stuff but I don't have any friends that know anything about me. I'm just Buffy's little sister that moved here instead of staying with Dad in LA. You and Willow and Xander remember stuff and share private jokes, and I don't." She sighed softly.  
  
"On to my second problem, it's really part of the first one. You and the gang all treat me like a little kid. I'm just as old as you were when you started slaying. I can help with the research end of stuff, and if I knew what was going on, I would be in a whole lot less danger. I would be aware of things that might just help you, and would definitely keep me safer."  
  
She took a deep breath, "The only person in my life who doesn't hide things from me is Spike. The only time he doesn't answer my questions is if it's something he doesn't want anyone to know about, or he thinks it's not his to tell. You and the gang are always, 'wait till you're older or not now' Spike never is."  
  
She swallowed hard, "I can't blame you if you hate me. If I weren't here you never would have had to die. But since Mom died any time I try to talk with you it's not a conversation, you just yell at me with some new rule, or run off."  
  
Wistfully she continued, "I remember us talking for hours about stuff, just the day to day stuff. I need that, I want us to sit at the table and have a meal and just talk. PLEASE!"  
  
"And don't give me that crap about; it's your job and the hours you need to be slaying. Quit that place. As far as money stuff goes, you could teach self-defense out of the training room. Or better yet, tell the Watchers Council that you are to be paid. You don't have a watcher, and they don't have another slayer. Faith is in jail. You're doing you job and Giles job if they can't pay you, you don't slay any more."  
  
She huffed a little, "If you did either of those we could have an almost normal home again. You'd have regular hours, and maybe I could have friends that could come over."  
  
Dawn wound to a stop with a big sigh.  
  
"Dawn are you finished?" ask Jule gently.  
  
"I think I'm done, for now that is." She meekly replied.  
  
"Wow" Buffy murmured.  
  
"Buffy, before you begin, I want you to think about the things Dawn has said, and very plainly I may add. It is now your turn to not only reply to Dawn but to express your own problems. Begin when you are ready." Jule directed.  
  
Buffy wiggled back into her chair and began to speak, "Dawn, I never thought about how I treat you. I've been seeing you as my little sister, someone I must protect. I am so sorry; I've been suffocating you. --- I have been doing to you what the gang is doing to me." "Everyone has been so smiley happy, 'we're glad you're back, we needed you, we brought you back, are you happy', but do they really know what they brought me back to, or where I was?"  
  
She shuddered, "When Mom got sick, I didn't have time for frivolous stuff. Then she died and then Glory came after us. Just being a college student, Riley's girlfriend and saving the world from an apocalypse wasn't enough."  
  
"I had to be your 'mom', run the house, and leader of the scoobies. I had to fight the Council. Be Willow's support, and Xander needed me to be his security blanket."  
  
"Do you remember right after mom died, I had Giles take me out to the desert on a vision quest? It was because I wasn't feeling anything; I doubted that I could love. Everyone I loved left, Dad, Angel, Riley, and then Mom. I felt and still feel empty."  
  
She sobbed, "It hurts inside, so much, I just shut it all off. I'm numb, I feel nothing. I can't, I won't let myself be hurt anymore. I can do rage, rage helps with the slaying. It's a safe thing to feel I don't get hurt."  
  
"I died I was in heaven, I was through." Exhaustion was evident in her voice. "Death is your gift, the first slayer said. I had done all I could. Why didn't they leave me there?"  
  
"I'm trying so hard to be there for you. Dad sure as hell isn't." she paused to gather her thoughts, "When I was your age, my life was normal. Christ, I was a cheerleader; I was in high school, a freshman, and all of a sudden Kablooey! I was 'The Chosen One' and fighting vampires, and causing the divorce, because 'You can tell no one, a slayers life is a secret' huh."  
  
Anger seeped into her words; "Mom and Dad were blaming each other for all my 'violent antisocial behavior'. Mom and I moved to Sunnydale and I thought great new start, now my life can be normal again, Shiiat!"  
  
Resignation seemed to flow from her, "Weirdness just followed me here. Do you know it was almost two years before Mom found out I was the'Slayer'. She whopped Spike in the head with an ax about a year before she found out. She though he was some kid on PCP and that a whole gang of them were trashing the school on Parent Teacher Night."  
  
"Yahh, I've got memories with Willow and Xander. They knew something was strange so they just jumped right on the Buffy the Slayer bandwagon. They became my faithful followers."  
  
"I am so tired of being 'fearless leader' I resent that everyone needs me. I need to –I need help, I can't do it all alone. I can't cure Willow's addiction, I can't be Xander's backbone, I can't be Anya's social guide, and I can be your sister. I need to be your sister. But I need you to help me."  
  
"The money problems are huge. That check Giles gave us is all but gone. That excuses for a paycheck I get from DMP will not cover our basic expenses. I don't know what we're going to do. You are going to have to help watch the budget."  
  
"Please Dawn, I don't want to be angry at you all the time. I want to trust you, but as inappropriate as Anya can be, she was right. After the stunt you pulled Halloween, and the shoplifting, ---it's really hard to trust you."  
  
She sighed, "I know it was a way for you to get attention but Social Services is watching everything, and if you had been caught by a merchant, you would be in foster care. And we would be seeing a court officer now, and not Jule."  
  
"You are really going to have to prove to me that I can trust you, and I'll be willing to give you some more freedom."  
  
"You don't talk to me you either yell, scream, run off crying or go all silent. I remember our gabfests, I want them back too. But I need help. I am so afraid to feel any emotions but rage. I 'm afraid I'll drown if I let them go, all my feelings are being held back by a big old dam, and if I start to let them out. It's going to wash me away."  
  
Buffy exhaled and shuddered to a stop.  
  
"Are you through or just changing gears?" quizzed Dawn.  
  
"I think I'm stopping for now."  
  
"Excellent work ladies. Now it is time to turn your chairs and face each other." Directed Jule, "take a few minutes and think about you have said and heard, then I want you engage in a dialogue."  
  
The girls turned their chairs and each bashfully eyed the other.  
  
Dawn looked wistfully at her sister, "Are you really afraid to face your feelings?"  
  
A lone tear slipped down Buffy's face, "Yeah, I've kept them locked up for so long, it's like a dam, if I even start to face them, to let them out, I'm going to drown in them."  
  
A soft smile graced Dawn lips, "Maybe I can help, I swim pretty well, And I've been splashing around in some awful big feelings myself for a long time now. I feel guilty for not seeing your pain, I was way too focused on my own."  
  
"My running from everyone sure didn't help. "  
  
"Maybe we should just be us at home, without all of the gang for a while. I mean it's not like Willow's renting her room or anything." Dawn said. She stammered, "She's paid for her dorm room till the end of the year, she's got someplace else to stay."  
  
"Dawn I can't just tell her to leave, she's my best friend."  
  
"Some friend, she almost killed your only sister, but I guess she's more important to you then I am."  
  
"I am so sorry. You're right; she's not as valuable to me as you are. I don't have what it takes to see her through this addiction, but I do have what you and I both need."  
  
"Buffy what I said was petty and childish, If you need Willow to stay, ..."  
  
"No Dawn you're right, you just didn't say it all that well, kinda like Spike all truth, no finesse."  
  
"See we need to work together, I need to learn Finesse from you, and you need to learn to feel from me."  
  
"I think maybe I need to listen to you more often, What you said about the council made more sense then DMP, I need to run it by Giles first I think." Buffy chewed the inside of her lip, "And we need to have a household meeting tonight."  
  
"Household meeting? Like a budget and stuff?" Dawn whined.  
  
"Stop whining! It bugs me no end."  
  
"I'm not the only one, Willow is either whining or sicky sticky sweet, or zombiefied."  
  
"I know, I just ... it bugs me too. Yes you and I need to go over the money stuff." Buffy sighed, "Mom never included me in it and that's the one thing I really needed from her."  
  
"Ladies I am impressed with the steps you have taken. I am glad you are finally sharing your burdens, you both need to learn to say plainly to the people in your lives what you are feeling, and what you NEED." Jule said.  
  
"What? Tell people what?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Yes. Use positive statements, 'I need time and space to be with Dawn' or 'I Need to handle my problem now.' Are good positive statements." Jule replied.  
  
"I can do that." Said Buffy.  
  
"Well our time is up, and you both have come so far today. Remember, Positive statements, and do not take others problem as your own, they have to handle them." Jule stood up, "I'll see you on Tuesday Buffy, and you again on Wednesday Dawn. Have a good weekend."  
  
They all moved out to the reception area, and the girls bade Jule goodbye as they left.  
  



	6. Therapy Chapter 6

Chapter 6/ Therapy Disclaimer in chapter 1  
  
Buffy was on the phone with Giles going over the ideas that Dawn had brought up in therapy to help with the finances in the Summers' house, as Dawn was clearing the dining room table and setting out a notepad and some chips. Buffy hung up the phone and looked puzzled, "What are you doing?"  
  
"I thought you and I could go over the budget stuff and maybe we can thin it down or something, then we'll be ready to talk to Willow when she comes in.," answered Dawn.  
  
"Sounds like a plan," answered Buffy as she turned around and drug out all the bills and stuff.  
  
The girls sat and waded through it all as they chattered amiably. Talk turned to their helping each other face the losses in they lives when Dawn asked, "You know who I really miss?---Spike."  
  
"Don't go there. Let's not talk about him right now."  
  
"But Buffy, I miss him. He was the one person when you died that didn't shut me out. I cried to him and on him. He sorta leaned on me too. I thought for a while he was gonna take up sunbathing or become an archery target. But I told him if he left me I'd never get over the hurt, and I didn't want to hurt anymore. He promised he would never hurt me."  
  
"Well duh, He can't hurt you with his chip." Answered Buffy.  
  
"I'm not talking physical. I mean emotional like Angel, Riley and Giles have hurt you." Dawn said.  
  
"Dawn he doesn't have any emotions, He can't have any feelings." Stressed Buffy.  
  
"Sometimes you are so blind and deaf, I just told you. I was really afraid he was going to commit suicide when you died. You didn't even hear me." Dawn raged, "If you'd open your eyes and look at around, he quit eating, I all but had to force him to eat. For a while he looked like one of those 'fed the starving ads'! The only thing that got him to start eating again was that Xander beat him at arm wrestling. "  
  
"I really don't care." Snapped Buffy wide eyed.  
  
"You need to stop lying to yourself. You do care I can see it. If you'd just admit it you know you care about him. This is just you running away from feeling anything. Just like you said in therapy." Dawn slapped the table. "You are so stubborn."  
  
"This subject is CLOSED!"  
  
"NO IT IS NOT! It is far from closed, you may think I'm just some dumb kid, but I can see that you're spending way more time with him than anyone else. I know how he can be such a comfortable person to be with when everything hurts, and you feel so lost. He's been there for me."  
  
Dawn reached out to hold Buffy's hand, "When I found out that I was the KEY, when Mom died and then when you died, you can just be with him. He doesn't try to make you feel better, he just let's you get through it at your own speed. He talks to you, not at you."  
  
She wiped away a stray tear. "I think what helps most is that he listens to you, not just your words but what you're feeling. He won't let you lie to yourself either."  
  
Dawn took a deep breath, "It sounds dumb but I think he misses belonging to a 'family'. You know he coulda just taken off and gone somewhere else but he stayed here and while Giles was here he was almost a scoob. Everybody counted on him and trusted him, except Xander, he was always snarky and hateful. I think that some alpha male crap."  
  
Buffy stammered, "Did Giles really trust him?"  
  
"Yeah he did, and Spike cut way down on research time. The things he knows are amazing,"  
  
"Why has he pulled back so far then?"  
  
"Maybe he's waiting to see if you'll accept him, to take the help he's offering, and treat him like a part of the team. Not some errand boy. But you're not, it OK to beat the crap outta him in practice, and use him on patrol, but you've shut him out of the gang, and the others just follow your lead."  
  
"Haven't shut him out."  
  
"Oh yes you have. You trusted him to protect me and Mom from Glory, but since you've come back you won't let him come around here and you won't let me go visit him. It like I can't be his friend now that you're back. That hurts."  
  
"Dawn I'm trying to keep you from getting hurt."  
  
"NO you're the one hurting me. He's the one person I can talk to that knows all about life in Sunnydale and doesn't treat me like a little kid." Dawn's eyes flashed.  
  
Buffy closed her eyes and sighed, "Maybe I'm afraid he'll hurt me."  
  
"How can he hurt you?"  
  
"Since I came back he can hit me." She murmured.  
  
"You're not making sense. If his chip quit, he's not hurting anyone. It means he doesn't want to hurt anybody anymore." Dawn shouted.  
  
"No it doesn't. I'm the only one he can hit. He said it's because I came back wrong. But I asked Tara to check out the spell they used. It seems its just a little 'sub molecular difference' but it still fools his chip."  
  
"If he can hit you, do you mean he's hurting you in practice?" Dawn was confused.  
  
"Dawn,--- He's not hurting me, not like that,---I'm afraid he'll hurt me emotionally."  
  
"What are you trying to say, you just spent our therapy session saying you can't feel anything?"  
  
"OH God this is so hard---You need to know--- I've--- We're--- we've been..." she drew a deep breath, 'I've been sleeping with him for a couple of weeks now and..."  
  
Dawn leapt to her feet and shrieked, "WHAT!!!!OH MY GOD!!! OH BUFFY!!!"  
  
Buffy sobbed, "I'm so sorry, I don't know why. It's disgusting. I'll stop it. I'm so sorry"  
  
"NO NO NO—It's GREAT--- Buffy this is wonderful. I'm so happy for you." Dawn ran to her sister and hugged her.  
  
Stunned Buffy looked at her sister, "You don't think it's awful, you don't mind?"  
  
"I think it's about time. You guys are so good together. I've watched you spar and thought that the two of you were made to be a pair. There are so many ways the two of you are alike." Dawn crowed.  
  
"Yeah, He's a vampire, and I'm a slayer." Buffy pouted.  
  
"Listen to me oh sister of mine, the world is not all black and white. If I have learned anything, it is that life is short. Live for today. Plan for tomorrow, and let yesterday go."  
  
"God you sound like a Hallmark card."  
  
"I'm a millenniums old Key, but really, so he use to be a bad guy, so did Anya, and she changed. So has Spike. If you are happy with him ...go for it. Summers women deserve happiness."  
  
"But the gang will hate me."  
  
"Then they are not your friends. True friends want happiness for each other." Dawn continued, "You have never judged their relationships have you? You've accepted them all. Werewolf, Moloch, Praying Mantis Woman, Inca Mummy Girl, Vengeance Demon, Lesbian Witch, and CORDELIA, So... Now it's your turn. It's not like you're gonna have the suburban dream. Jeez this is Sunnydale home of the Hellmouth."  
  
"How did you get so smart?"  
  
"Just watching and listening," Dawn giggled, "So how did it start, does he kiss good? Come on Dish!" she sat down in a chair holding Buffy's hand.  
  
"well..." Buffy stalled.  
  
"Come on, and you said you had no emotions."  
  
"Since Mom died I've been shut down, not feeling. The only thing I felt was the rush I got slaying. After I came back I didn't even feel that. The only thing I remember feeling was, ... do you remember the night I came back?"  
  
"Yeah I do, you were sorta not here."  
  
"Well, everything was hard and harsh. It hurt, you didn't you were kinda a nice safe numbness. But when I came down the stairs and looked into Spike's eyes..." she gazed off into the distance.  
  
"It was the first and only thing I could focus on. He was there safe and warm, not talking, not wanting anything. I could see the concern, the wonder, the compassion, and when he held my hands the understanding. I could almost touch it."  
  
She looked back at Dawn, "After that everyone was all over me, with the 'Buffy we're so happy, we brought you back from hell, You're OK now Buffy' it was like I was drowning."  
  
Shaking her head she continued, "But Spike was different, He didn't jabber at me, he was just there. He told me what had been happening. He apologized for letting me down."  
  
"It felt right to just sit with him. Patrolling with him was safe; I didn't have to worry about him. I didn't have to protect him." She looked into Dawn's eyes, "I told him I had been in Heaven, and He swore he'd never tell the others when I asked him to."  
  
"Then Sweet showed up and we did all that singing, and after it was over, I kissed him. I think it was to see if I could feel anything besides, rage, anger, or pain."  
  
"Did you feel anything?" Dawn softly asked.  
  
"Oh did I, I felt peace, comfort, It felt warm and safe, But it scared me, so I ran." whispered Buffy.  
  
"I thought about it, and I realized I could face my emotions, and I started to face the little ones, the safe ones, then Willow did her 'forget spell'. I thought then that I put us all in danger with my feelings, so I locked 'em away again." She almost growled.  
  
"But after Giles left, and Tara left, I was sitting at the Bronze, floating in a sea of loss. Spike just came up and looked at me, I turned away like the bitch I can be. I dismissed him." Sighing she continued.  
  
"Then there he was and I was kissing him, it was like a life preserver, it held me up and kept me from sinking. I started to feel again. But it scared me and I ran."  
  
"Damn, Spike has more patience than Job." Dawn stated.  
  
"The night I didn't come home was the first night. I left the 'Magic Box' and there he was waiting." She drew a deep breath, "He was all cocky and obnoxious, and he hit me. Then he said I'd come back wrong."  
  
"I was so angry, I'd been think the same thing but I was too afraid to say it. So I hit back. We had a real knock down drag out fight." Stopping to focus she went on, "Then he said something about he wasn't going to hurt me, much. I said he hadn't come close. And he asked if I was afraid to let him ... I didn't let him finish, I just kissed him."  
  
She shook her hair back, "My emotions just washed me away there was no stopping it, I was drowning, and he was right there holding me up, helping me breath, taking everything I threw at him and kept coming back for more."  
  
Dawn gapped at her sister, "I guess you really were 'monster wrestling' not Spike, but your emotions."  
  
"No Dawn he is a monster. He's a vampire. He doesn't have a soul." She pleaded.  
  
"Big deal! He loves you. Souls don't mean squat. Adolph Hitler, Idi Amin Dada, Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Daumer all had souls, did it make them any better?"  
  
"But..."  
  
Dawn cut her off, "Spike and I talked a lot this summer, and I wanted to know what being a vampire was like so I asked him"  
  
"Dawn!"  
  
"Don't go getting wiggins now, just listen. Basically a vampire is a human that was drained to the point of death, the nearer to death the stronger the demon that takes over with the vampire blood." She cleared her throat.  
  
"The stronger the Vampire that does the turning the stronger the demon. But we talked about it, in Spikes case. Dru was not that strong, and she probably didn't drain him all that much. The reason we think that is cause when he woke up he wasn't all that hot to reek death and destruction." She stared in to Buffy's eyes.  
  
"He was part of the 'Scourge of Europe' and he had to live up to or down to Angelus and Darla's code. He said that the Judge dissed him as too human. But the Judge liked Angelus."  
  
Dawn smiled, "I believe it's because there is good in Spike, there is love in him, and it's for us."  
  
"Dawn, when...how... I don't ... I need to think about this." Buffy stammered.  
  
"Ok, just thought you ought to look at it from where I see it. Not expecting any answers now." Dawn replied.  
  
They began to shuffle the papers on the table, "Promise me you won't say a word to the rest of the gang, Dawn. I need to think this through."  
  
Dawn used puppy dog eyes as she pleaded, "Please Buffy, can't I ..."  
  
"NO It is not the time or place, I'll tell them when I'm ready, promise me not a word, not a syllable." She ordered.  
  
"Oh all right." Dawn grumped.  
  
Just then Willow came in and Buffy told her about the household meeting after dinner. The girls started cooking and chattering about their day. After eating and cleaning up the kitchen, they all sat down at the table.  
  
Buffy started, "Wil, we... Dawn and I talked today in our session, and we realized that we need some us time. The Summers girls need to find each other without everyone in our lives. I know your dorm room is still available, and paid for."  
  
She swallowed, "I hope you don't mind but I think it might be for the best if you moved back to campus. That way you can work through your problems, and Dawn and I can find ourselves."  
  
She continued, "This is not the only thing we're changing. I called Giles. Someone and he won't tell me who. Wrote him and proposed that the Watchers Council needed to pay me. One, because I have lived longer than any other slayer in recent history. Two, I am now responsible for my own upkeep. Three, I no longer have a Watcher. And four their only other slayer is in jail."  
  
"He has already gone to them and I should be hearing from them in the next couple of days." She cleared her throat. "If their answer is no. I have Giles permission and blessing to open a Self-Defense school in the training room at the 'Magic Box' so that I can be home with Dawn."  
  
"Oh...I see" Willow stammered, "I make one mistake and you're throwing me out."  
  
"Willow, I... it has nothing to do with your problems. It is something Dawn and I need. Today in our session Jule advised us both to start expressing our needs plainly and clearly. My priorities in life are slaying and Dawn." She looked at her friend.  
  
"You are my best friend, I love you, but I can not sacrifice, my sister's nor my own life out of friendship. That only makes me an enabler."  
  
"Never mind what I have Sacrificed for you," Willow shrieked, "I lost Tara, I gave up the Ivy League, I...All for you."  
  
"I never asked you for a thing Wil. If you remember I argued with you about college. I told you to go to leave Sunnydale. That was your choice. And as far as Tara, that was your choice too." Buffy snapped back.  
  
"Fine" Willow answered in an icy voice, "I'll be out of here by nightfall tomorrow."  
  
She fled up the stairs slamming the door to her room.  
  
Buffy seemed to collapse back in on herself.  
  
"Can we say 'Drama Queen' hehe." Offered Dawn.  
  
"Don't be snarky, that was hard to do." Buffy sighed.  
  
"I know, I'm proud of you." Dawn hugged her sister.  
  
"Will you be Ok by yourself tonight?" I need to patrol." Buffy asked.  
  
Dawn giggled, "Yeah, no homework. I'll be fine. You and Spike take as long as you need" snickering she headed up stairs.  
  
"Dawn, Lock the door. I 'm going" Buffy called.  
  
"OK! Night Buffy" floated down the stairs.  
  
"Night Brat" Buffy called back as she headed out to patrol. . 


	7. Therapy Chapter 7

Chapter 7 / Therapy Disclaimer in chapter 1  
  
Later that night as Buffy and Spike patrolled the cemetery, "I guess I should tell you, --um..." stammered Buffy.  
  
"Come on slayer what is it this time?" queried Spike.  
  
"Well. You know Dawn and I are seeing the new therapist right? She's pretty good and ...um... Dawn knows about my sleeping with you." She confessed  
  
Spike looked completely gob smacked, "You told your little sis, have you gone daft?"  
  
"No, she needed to know. She's been thinking I was avoiding her. It's not her; it's all the other crap in my life. I've decided that the gang can grow up. I am not responsible for the problems in their lives, they are. I can't solve them. I have to take care of Dawn and myself." She answered.  
  
"Huh," Spike looked confused.  
  
"You know Dawn helped me realize that I have been treating you like an unfeeling thing, not that you're human, but she made me see that you do have feelings, and I know how much it hurts when they get ignored by others. I am sorry. I know I have hurt you."  
  
"Buffy... I... Bloody hell, no need to apologize pet, I'm the Big Bad."  
  
"No Spike you may be the Big Bad, but I've been a pretty poor excuse for a human for a while now. I intend to change that. Oh, and Tara knows too."  
  
"Glenda knows? How long's she known?" Spike asked.  
  
"Since before my birthday."  
  
"Oh...Sod it all... explains it then." Spike smirked.  
  
"Explains what?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Never you mind luv, never you mind."  
  
"It's looks awful quiet out here tonight, wanna head back?" Buffy asked.  
  
"I believe so...Care for a 'visit'?"  
  
Buffy grabbed Spike and kissed him; they ran back to his crypt.  
  
Back at the crypt, as they franticly tore at one another's clothes, 'No Spike stop!"  
  
"What?" he cried in frustration.  
  
"Not like this, slow down, I want to go slow. I want to be gentle." Buffy whispered as she gazed at her feet.  
  
"Aw God girl, do you mean that?" He asked, his face open, hope shining in his eyes, "Do you really mean that?"  
  
Buffy looked up at him, "Yes"  
  
"Please... please don't be teasing me love, I can't take it."  
  
"I'm not teasing Spike... please go slow and gentle...I wanna feel good about us."  
  
"You said 'US' as in...what are we? A couple?"  
  
"I don't know. I just know we've got this lust thing down pretty good now. I wanna try tenderness, and see if I can handle it."  
  
"Pet, I can be so very tender. I can be whatever you want..." he purred as he wrapped his arms around her and began to kiss her softly, gently worrying her bottom lip. He moved to her ear, and slowly caressed it with the tip of his tongue.  
  
"Luv, you're trembling, shall I carry you?" He kissed her neck.  
  
"Carrying... um sounds to the good," she murmured.  
  
Spike swept Buffy up into his arms against his chest and carried her to his bedroom. Standing her next to his bed, he tentatively reached for the hem of her shirt.  
  
As he slowly drew it over her head she shyly reached for his chest. Timidly she began to unbutton his shirt and pushed it back off his strong shoulders.  
  
Spike began to cover her in butterfly kisses that tingled and teased her sensitive skin as he moved from her neck down across her collarbone to the hollow at the base of her throat, down her chest to the soft upper slope of her breast.  
  
Reaching behind her he unclasp her bra. Slowly he slid the straps down her arms, and kneeling he began to kiss her body. Starting at her ribs moving ever so slowly toward the outer curve of her breast, circling inward to her aureole, and finally gently suckling her nipple.  
  
Buffy in a daze laid her hands on his shoulders to keep herself from weaving.  
  
His cool hands drawing light little circles on her back from her shoulder blades down to the small of her back gliding around her waist to unbutton her jeans, lowering the zipper with his teeth.  
  
Hesitantly he drew her jeans down her legs to bunch finally at her feet, he moved his soft kisses down her taunt stomach to nip at her navel.  
  
He traced a lazy serpentine path with his tongue down to the top edge of her lacy bikini panties. Moving his hands slowly down from the small of her back around her hipbones, he slipped his thumbs in the sides and drew the panties down.  
  
His hands glided around to gently knead her buttocks as he kissed her thatch of curling hair. Buffy gasp as he sat her on the bed and drew her jeans and panties off her feet.  
  
She sat shyly forward and unfastened his black jeans, sliding them down his long legs. Freeing his cock from restraints it sprang forward proud, full and impressive.  
  
He stepped out of his jeans and laid her back on the satin sheets, as he knelt worshipfully between her tanned legs and kissed down her inner thigh to the back of her knee, lifting her leg, he kissed a trail down her calf to the ankle over the foot.  
  
Gently he sucked each of her toes, lapping under them with his quick catlike tongue. He began the same slow nearly torturous path up the other leg again to reach the thatch of honey blond curls. There he stopped and softly blew across her nether lips as she gasped  
  
Using the lightest of touches he softly drew her moist lower lips back and began kissing with a feather light touch alternating kisses with little laps of his tongue and nips of his teeth.  
  
Threads of electric current began to flow outward through Buffy, all starting from the cool lips and tongue of her lover. Yes that sounded so right to her, Her Lover.  
  
He laved her softly, maddeningly slow. Hesitantly he slipped in first one finger then another to find and stroke her g-spot, adding the third and increasing the pressure.  
  
Buffy tried to buck and thrust against his hand but he held her flat with one hand on her stomach. "No sweetheart, slow and gentle," he whispered against her clit.  
  
Moaning she reached down to draw him up on the bed to lie beside her. She began kissing him starting with his lips, so soft tasting of her, and so cool, almost cool enough to quench the fire in her own mouth.  
  
She trailed light kisses and nips across his face to his sensitive ear then down his neck to nuzzle and nip at the vein there. She followed the path he had taken with her, across the collarbone down to his nipple, then she bit him on the left nipple and she pinched the right one, his back arched and he cried, "Oh Buffy!"  
  
She pushed down on his chest, murmuring, "Slowly, Gentle now" kissing down his ribs moving from side to side as she lapped and kissed her way to his navel. There she stopped and slid her hands back up his chest to nipples caressing and tweaking them to rigidity as her mouth moved down to his own light brown thatch of curls.  
  
Suddenly there she was, between his legs, one hand drawing slow circles on each thigh, as she ducked down and gently licked the sensitive spot below his balls, licking up and taking one into her mouth she lapped and suckled first one then the other.  
  
She slowly lapped up his hardened length, to run her tongue around his head like an ice cream cone, Flicking the tip with the end of her tongue, peppering little kisses back down to the base of his cock. Rising up she took his head into her warm moist mouth, slowly tenderly she took all of him in.  
  
His back arched as his hands wrenched at first the sheets, finally grasping the headboard. Pulling and bowing his spine he groaned, as her mouth slid hot and wet sensually up and down alternately sucking hard then soft as his balls grew heavy and began to tighten, he reached for her.  
  
She released him and giggled, "Slow, and gentle, not yet", she moved up his body to lie against him, pressed full length over him.  
  
He rolled them over, as he began to kiss her. His kisses were deep intense, and full of longing. She returned them matching his coolness with her fire, passion building.  
  
She wrapped her right arm over his shoulder and around his neck, stroking at the hair on the nape. Her left arm came around his ribs and her hand stroked his strong muscular back down to his buns.  
  
She parted her legs and drew the right one up and around his waist her left hand clutching and kneading his butt. Her left leg wrapped around his leg, he slowly lowered himself down with his cock rubbing against her clit, and he began oh so slowly to rock against her, so slowly she doubted that he moved.  
  
He began to rock just a little harder and just a little faster, breaking off a kiss he murmured, "Slow Luv, you wanted slow and tender, shhh slow" as he gazed deeply into her hazel green eyes with his vivid blue ones, both sets of eyes glowing dilated, speaking volumes.  
  
Somewhere she had heard that the eyes are the mirror of the soul, and gazing into his now she could almost believe he did have a soul, she saw so much love there. He returned to kissing her softly gently. Worshipping his love.  
  
Rocking together she felt the lightening firing in her clit gathering in her core, it grew and throbbed. Her breathing grew ragged and harsh, she closed her eyes. "Please luv, let me watch you, look at me, open your eyes," he pleaded softly.  
  
Her eyes snapped open, there it was an expanding growing wave of energy building in her core, "OH Spike oh my God, Spike, AHHHH!" Her vision blurred, her skin flushed with a rosy glow, as waves rolled through her, washing her away on the crest of her first orgasm of the night.  
  
Spike kissed the hollow of her throat, chuckling, "Slowly pet, we need to take our time." He continued to rock against her. Her orgasm continued to wash through her in smaller waves. Like a spring breeze blowing away all thought all worry. It banked back to a small fire, almost a glow, leaving comfort blooming throughout her.  
  
As her breathing slowed and her heart stopped racing he slowed. Then lifting his hips slipped his left hand down between them to stroke her clit guiding his hardened length into her.  
  
He entered her bit by bit, gasping. She was so warm, so tight, so wet. He knew that this was his chance. Yes they had been together before, coupling wildly, passionately but this was his chance to make love to Buffy, his golden goddess.  
  
He wanted to make it last forever. To show her the strength and depth of his love for her, maybe she would finally open up and admit she had feelings for him. Maybe frogs would grow wings. But Bloody hell, he was going to give it his best shot.  
  
With his hand still between them stroking her clit her breath began to hitch. She groaned into his mouth. Finally he was hilted in her and he stopped, not moving at all.  
  
Neither could tell where they ended and the other began, they were fused, they had become one being. He broke away from kissing her and lifted his head to gaze into her eyes as he said, "I love you---without you there is no me."  
  
She gasped, then plead softly, "Love me, never leave me please – just don't leave me." He plunged back down to kiss and suckled her neck as he began to thrust into her.  
  
Against her neck he murmured, "I will never leave you, never my love." She began to whimper, pleading "faster, harder," Pulling him hard against her with her arms.  
  
He grasp her by the wrists holding her hands above their heads and crooned, "No pet. You asked for gentle, Gentle I will be. Just ride with me."  
  
The energy began to build crackling, electric almost visible between the two as they rocked and thrust into one another, joined in the oldest dance known to man.  
  
Soft sighs and moans filled the air, building in volume and intensity until they both came in a blinding explosion, arching into one another, frozen at the highest point of passion and emotional release either had ever experienced. Their orgasms battling and climbing over each other finally becoming one shared by both as consciousness left them.  
  
Soft moans and murmurs came from them as the returned to awareness and their connection with the world.  
  
Buffy whispered shyly, "I think I passed out."  
  
"So did I luv. It's called 'petit morte' by the French, 'the little death'." he replied. "This is the first time I've ever felt it."  
  
"Do you think we could...try...um ...to do that again?" Blushing Buffy asked.  
  
"DO what make love, ... or the petit morte?" He asked.  
  
"The petit thingy?" She replied quietly.  
  
"We can try, I know we can make love, "He murmured as he began to kiss and nuzzle her. He was stunned that she had not reacted to the 'make love' statement, and wanted to distract her before she fled from him into the night.  
  
Kissing her deeply, he rolled them over so that she straddled him. Never breaking the connection of their bodies. They kissed and fondled each other, as he grew hard inside of her.  
  
She began to ride him slowly, rising up until just the head of his cock was inside her, then sliding slowly down to rock pelvis to pelvis grinding her clit at the base of each stroke. He cupped her breast, thumbed her nipples; leaned up and suckled first one then the other.  
  
Swiftly she leaned into his neck kissing and nipping his jugular. As her orgasm built frenzy seemed to seize her, she bit him hard drawing blood. She swallowed enraptured by the coppery salty taste, biting harder she cried out "You're mine, all of you, mine forever."  
  
That was all it took, murmuring "Yours forever" Spike was again at the point of his release. Buffy cried out "Bit me" He did using his blunt human teeth. In his heart claiming her as his own, his heart, his mate.  
  
They both rocketed to a new mind shattering height of release, again overtaken by the 'little death' of a mutual and profound orgasm.  
  
Awareness left them but this time he returned to consciousness a little before his love, and turned them on their sides to spoon her against his chest as they drifted off to a deep and peaceful sleep.  
  
She awoke in the wee hours of the early morning, snuggling close to him, watching him as he lay there. Her wide hazel green eyes taking in every detail, memorizing him.  
  
He lay on his side with his arm across her and one leg draped over her. His platinum blond hair full of soft curls falling across his forehead, the rigid styling gel had lost its battle. His face was innocent and relaxed. His eyes closed, she thought in sleep, his long sooty thick lashes creating shadows that left him vulnerable looking, his brows relaxed.  
  
He could damn near talk with just his brow and eyes never saying a word with his mouth, she thought. His poor nose, she wondered how many times it had been broken. It was still straight and even, just a bit too small for the cheek bones that thrust out of his face leaving hollows to draw your eyes down to those lips, the top one a little thin, definitely masculine, but the bottom lip was plump and full almost succulent like a fashion models. Truly the face of a seraphim.  
  
There were scars on the left eyebrow and around the edges of the eye. Buffy knew that they were from his life as William. Vampire didn't permanently scar. She had dropped a church organ on him and left him in the fire that followed and those scars were gone, even the scars from Glory's tortures were faded to nearly invisible.  
  
Her eyes traveled down his long and almost too thin neck to the broad expanse of his chest, all the muscles defined and clearly seen, his nipples dark brown, turning almost maroon when aroused.  
  
Her eyes flowed down to his ribs, broad and open, she felt as if she could crawl inside them and be safe from the world with his long powerful arms wrapped around her.  
  
Jeez, she realized he could have been the model for Michelangelo's "David". He wasn't really all that pale; by candlelight he had a soft almost golden glow to his skin. On the heels of that thought she realized he was awake and watching her in the same way.  
  
"Good morning my love" he purred in that wonderful rich deep voice, that made her vibrate down to her very soul. Gazing at her with eyes so deep blue you doubted your own senses.  
  
"Good morning," she replied blessing him with a soft kiss.  
  
Spike was stunned, she hadn't run off, she wasn't playing 'kick the Spike' she was staying with him cuddled up and at peace. "Is little bit at home or off with one of her mates?" he queried.  
  
Languidly Buffy answered, "She's at home and she's old enough for me to trust her."  
  
"Who are you? What have you done with the real Buffy?" He asked.  
  
"This is the real me. I told you we've been seeing a therapist. She made me see that I need to let go, let Dawn prove herself."  
  
"I don't know Buffy. I think I like this bint. She's good for you, She's brought you a sense of peace that I've missed." He mused.  
  
"Maybe you ought to go see her, just talking to someone who is not a part of your life feels so relaxing." Buffy hedged.  
  
"Like I need a therapist, Bloody Hell I'm a vampire girl, did you forget?" he retorted.  
  
"No I didn't but you did, last night, I asked you to bite me, and you didn't use your game face."  
  
"Why would I, sod it all girl, I thought you wanted to make love." He gazed at her.  
  
"Spike I want to accept all of you the monster and the man, not just part of you. I want to explore my feelings and I think you can handle it if I loss them and explode. I don't know anyone else that can."  
  
She paused taking his hand, "I do have feelings for you. I saw into you last night, and I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to lead you on, but I don't want to lose you either. Dawn said some pretty smart things to me yesterday" was it only yesterday "I think we ought to see where things can go. Dawn misses you and wants to spend some time with you."  
  
"I miss her too, I almost---- Oh hell, I do love her like my own sister." He responded.  
  
Buffy slowly rose from the bed and began to gather her clothes.  
  
"So here we go, out she runs." He sighed.  
  
"Do you see me running? I just need to head home and handle some business" she replied. "I wonder if, --um—Would you like to come over for a movie tonight, just let's keep the sex stuff out of sight and under wraps around her for now OK?"  
  
"Bollocks, you said she knows about us." He barked.  
  
"I know but she's 15 and all 'tell me, smoochies, ooh' and I'm just not comfortable yet OK?"  
  
"All right, I remember what it's like" he chuckled. "Yeah I guess a movie would be ok, just no 'chick flick' right!"  
  
"Nothing all blood and gory either" she retorted.  
  
As he pulled on his jeans he asked, "Should I bring some munchies? Or maybe my own drinks?"  
  
Buffy leaned in to kiss him softly and answered, "I'll get everything, just bring yourself."  
  
"Sounds like a plan" he hugged her.  
  
As they steeped off the ladder into the upper level, she reached back to hold his hand. If Spike's heart had been beating it would have skipped a beat then. Buffy turned, wrapped her arms around him and they stood in a mutual hug, just happy to be with each other.  
  
"See you tonight about 7ish, Dawn will be so happy" she muttered.  
  
"And what about you?" he asked softly.  
  
"Oh me, I'm looking forward to it," She giggled as she gently kissed him good-bye and walked out the crypt door.  
  
Spike stumbled to his chair and bonelessly collapsed shaking his head in disbelief, "Bloody Hell" he muttered "we've a Saturday night DATE!"  
  



	8. Therapy Chapter 8

Chapter 8/Therapy Disclaimer in chapter 1  
  
Saturday morning at 9 am Willow stomped into Jule's office. Slamming the door behind her in a rage. Jule came out of her office surprised.  
  
"I'm just here to cancel an appointment," she snarled.  
  
"Oh do you need to reschedule?" asked Jule.  
  
"NO I don't need to reschedule, after what you've done to my friend I need to cancel, you can't help her, I don't need your kind of help. I need you to just go away." She shrieked.  
  
"If you're this emotional about an appointment I think you really need to see someone if not me Miss???" Jule offered.  
  
"Rosenberg, Willow Rosenberg."  
  
Jule offered her hand "Nice to met you face to face."  
  
Willow shook her hand ungraciously.  
  
Jule's eyes snapped open. "I don't think you want to do that, the last time you endangered all your friends and your lover. Or have you forgotten?"  
  
Willow cowered, "DO what? What do you mean?"  
  
"Your 'forget spell' "Jule stared at her.  
  
"How do you know about that and how do you know what I was thinking?"  
  
"Surely Buffy or Tara one told you that I am a 'tactile empath with precognitive ESP', didn't they?"  
  
"I just thought... they said you couldn't read minds."  
  
"I can read your public thoughts, and that one is right there in front screaming to get out, but I really think you and I need to talk now not next week. Please come on back, I don't want you to lose all you have worked so hard to accomplish." Jule beguiled.  
  
"Oh all right," Willow followed her back.  
  
"Would you like a cup of tea? I just made a pot," asked Jule.  
  
"Please and Thank you." Muttered Willow.  
  
They both poured a cup and settled down in the big chairs.  
  
"This is good, Chamomile?" asked Willow.  
  
"Yes. What on earth has you in such an uproar and why are you blaming me?" Jule quizzed the red headed Wiccan.  
  
"You told Buffy to cut off all her friends."  
  
"I can't discuss my clients with you. That would be a breech of their faith. But why do think I told her that?"  
  
"After she came to see you she's all, my concerns are for Dawn and me. The gang is not my problem." Sulked Willow.  
  
"After all I've done for her, she's throwing me out. I brought her back; I lost Tara trying to help her. She's turned so hard and mean. Only after she came to see you though." Willow sobbed.  
  
"So let me get this straight, because she has decided to simplify her life and concentrate on what is most important. To let her adult friend become adult and handle their own lives, I'm to blame?" Jule asked.  
  
"Buffy needs us and we need Buffy, She was dead, she was in a hell dimension and I brought her back." Stressed Willow.  
  
"Was she in a hell dimension? Or did you even think about it. She died as a warrior of the Powers That Be. She was fulfilling her duty. Do you really believe that they would allow her to be tormented?"  
  
"I didn't know she was in heaven, she jumped into a portal to hell. Angel was sucked into hell."  
  
"Angel and his body were sucked into hell, Buffy's body stayed behind, to allow you to grieve, and to lay her to Rest." Jule said.  
  
"I didn't know that, and I've apologized but she doesn't hear me, and she won't forgive me. It's like she's deaf to anything I say."  
  
"Are you hearing what she says? Do you ever stop and listen to others? Did you stop and listen to your lover, or do you just act first, never thinking?"  
  
"I do think, I think of ways to help my friends."  
  
"You still are not listening, I asked do you think first?"  
  
"Yes I think first, I am really very intelligent."  
  
"There is a difference between thought and intelligence. Intelligence is the ability to absorb knowledge. Thought is the ability to use what you see, know and feel to make a decision that will affect not only you but also those around you." Jule stated. "How old are you? 21?"  
  
"I do think about others. I try to keep them from hurting and getting hurt."  
  
"Willow we only grow when we experience life, that includes the pain that comes from living and handling our mistakes."  
  
"But I love them and I don't want them to hurt. I can stop their pain." Willow cried.  
  
"You keep them dependent on you. You make them need you, wouldn't you rather they wanted you to be their friend, to want you and want to help you?"  
  
"But they need me. I'm the 'Big Gun', I really very powerful. You know that even Giles if a little in awe of my power." She smirked.  
  
"So they accept you because they fear you?"  
  
"They don't fear me I'm their friend. I help them."  
  
"Do you help when they ask, or do you help before they ask, before they try to handle it themselves?"  
  
"Why do I need to wait for them to ask? I know what they need."  
  
"Did you just say 'Why do I need to wait for them to ask? I know what they need' is that what I heard?" Jule looked thunderstruck.  
  
Taking a deep breath Jule continued, "Do you realize that even the 'Powers That Be' whether you call them God, Goddess, Allah or whatever give their followers, the faithful freedom of choice."  
  
Staring at the witch she pressed on, "You do not allow those in your life any choice, you make the choices for them. Do you really think and I do mean THINK that they are not afraid of you?"  
  
"No they aren't afraid of me, I stopped using magic anyway." Whined Willow.  
  
"Yes, but what did it take to make you stop?"  
  
"It was Dawn's accident."  
  
"Was it Dawn's accident, or your accident that hurt Dawn?"  
  
"I didn't mean to hurt her, it was the demon that caused it."  
  
"Who called the Demon?"  
  
"Rack caused me to call it. He didn't warn me."  
  
"Why did you go to Rack? Even I know he's black magic, pure evil."  
  
"Amy said there wasn't any drain involved, I asked her if it was safe."  
  
"And what was her reply?"  
  
"She asked if it would make a difference, but then she said I was scared. I brought Buffy back. If weak little Amy can handle it, I sure can."  
  
"Over confidence, Pride, are you familiar with the seven deadly sins? Pride, Gluttony, Lust, Greed,..."  
  
Willow interrupted, "Yeah I know what they are, but I don't believe in them. I was raised Jewish. But now I'm a Wiccan."  
  
"One of the strongest tenets of Wicca is to respect the natural order of life. Does making things happen the way you want respect that order?"  
  
"You sound like Tara, if she'd only see that I am helping."  
  
"Back to your helping. Are you waiting to be asked or are you so omnipotent that you assume to know what is best?"  
  
"I know what my friends need." Raged Willow.  
  
"Glory knew what the world needed. Why did you stop her?"  
  
"Glory was a megalomaniac."  
  
"Could you define that word?"  
  
"It's someone who thinks they know enough and are strong enough to control to whole world or their entire sphere of life. Most often they are insane or blind to reality." Willow snapped.  
  
"Willow, I want you to stop, take several deep breaths. Bring yourself almost to a meditative state now. We're both a little tense." Jule soothed.  
  
"Before I ask you this next question, I want you to center on the definition you just gave me."  
  
Willow visibly calmed down and began to breath slowly; Jule could see her reach that receptive state she needed.  
  
Then in a calm sure voice she asked," What is the difference between Glory's way of thinking and the way you have been treating your friends and yourself?"  
  
Willow seemed to collapse in on herself, like a balloon with a slow leak, sobs tore through the slim little red head, tears poured from her eyes.  
  
"It's all my fault, its all my fault," she chanted over and over. She sat chanting and sobbing for nearly twenty minutes. Finally she raised her tear streaked and puffy face to stare into Jule's eyes. "How can I ever make it all up to them?" she asked.  
  
"I think you need to make it up to yourself first. You need to find your way to a peace inside yourself. Talk to them and let them know that you finally see what it is you have done wrong. Acknowledge that the blame is yours. Accept it, deal with it, and learn from it. Don't' make promises that you can't keep." Jule offered.  
  
"I think I understand. I have to change me first. I have to change the way I see life, and friendship. Maybe it is better if I move back into the dorm until I become sure of myself. I don't need to be a Wiccan Warrior; I need to be just plain old Willow. I see what Buffy was trying to say last night."  
  
"Good! Now you can start to heal. We still have a lot of work to do. Do you still want to cancel?"  
  
"OH no, I'll be here," sighed Willow  
  
"Good. I look forward to seeing you on Monday morning then. Be careful."  
  
Willow said good-bye and walked out into the bright Saturday sunshine. 


	9. Therapy Chapter 9

Chapter 9/Therapy Disclaimer in chapter 1  
  
The Summers girls sat in the kitchen giggling and making up a grocery list, as the phone rang.  
  
"Hello" Dawn answered, "Just a Mo' I'll get her." She shoved the phone toward Buffy, "It's for you 'Ms.' Buffy Summers."  
  
Buffy took the phone, "This is Buffy Summers, may I help you?"  
  
Dawn listened to the one-sided conversation. Buffy stood up and paced. Finally she leaned back against the wall.  
  
"I see, and how soon would that be?"  
  
"Yes, I see."  
  
"I will be here, Fine."  
  
"I'll call if I have any questions, yes."  
  
"How much? OH!" the color drained from her face.  
  
"Thank you, Good-bye."  
  
She hung up the phone and promptly slid down the wall, gapping and stunned.  
  
"Buffy, Buffy, what's wrong? What's happened??" Dawn was on her knees pleading.  
  
"OH.MY.GOD." Buffy bellowed.  
  
"What?" shrieked Dawn.  
  
"It's wonderful. The council, they came through. I am to be paid retroactively for the last two years, we now have full insurance benefits and my annual salary will be $35,000" Buffy fairly crowed.  
  
Both girls jumped up and down, in the kitchen and down the hall doing their own version of the 'happy dance' yelling and screaming in elation.  
  
Willow walked in and stood there stunned.  
  
"Willow, oh God, it's so great. The council is going to pay me. They're expressing a check for back pay and all the paperwork. It should be here by Monday. I don't have to go back to DMP, and I can enroll in summer courses. When is the cut-off date? Do you know?" Buffy babbled.  
  
"It's the end of the month, I think." Willow stammered, "That's great Buffy."  
  
Later after they had all calmed down and they sat around the kitchen island drinking sodas and chattering. Willow spoke up.  
  
"I went to see Jule this morning, and I've decided to move back to my dorm. Xander is coming to pick me up in a while, so I need to go pack."  
  
Buffy and Dawn sat stunned, Buffy said, "Wil, Please don't think we're angry at you."  
  
"No, I see now what you were trying to say to me. I need to be on my own. I have a lot of growing up to do." She swallowed, "I've created a lot of problems for you both with my 'need to help'. I've got to learn to let my friends live their own lives. "  
  
"You're still my best friend Wil, you know that?" Buffy offered.  
  
"I am amazed you still call me a friend, after all the pain I have caused you, both of you." Blinking back tears she continued, "You will always be my best friend, but now I need to face the truth of what I have done, and what I was becoming. I don't expect you to forgive me. But you will never know how sorry I truly am."  
  
Dawn piped up, "I think it's a sign of how much we're all growing to face the truth. We will all come out a lot stronger if we just keep growing."  
  
Dawn, you can be so wise for such a brat" laughed Buffy.  
  
"Time to pack" said Willow, as she headed up the stairs.  
  
"Well that just leaves the Summers girls for movie night, should we hang out till she leaves?" asked Dawn.  
  
"I don't know," Buffy answered, "Go get changed, I'm calling DMP to say I QUIT! Just think, no more greasy hair and face, no more smell, no more tired feet, no more plastic smiles. I QUIT, I QUIT, I QUIT."  
  
By the time the girls had changed and Buffy called her former employer, Xander was there to move Willows things. He offered them a ride to the mini mall.  
  
Once they were inside the video store Buffy asked, "What do you think Spike would want to watch other than blood and gory?"  
  
"Oh some goofy comedy or an 'Action Flick'. Why?"  
  
"Cause I invited him tonight."  
  
"Oh my God, Buffy and Spike have a Saturday night Date!" Dawn gushed.  
  
"It's not a date, it's just a movie at home." Buffy sighed.  
  
"Yeah right, it's not a date, but we need to be sure to get something for him to drink, and some little marshmallows, OK?" Dawn said.  
  
"I had already planned on stopping by 'Willy's' but why marshmallows?"  
  
"We're out of 'em and he loves 'em in his cocoa. DUH!"  
  
The girls finished their shopping and headed home.  
  
. 


	10. Therapy Chapter 10

Chapter 10/ Therapy Disclaimer in chapter 1  
  
Jule sat in her living room working on her case notes for the week, and again she marveled at her list of clients. She had only been in Sunnydale for three weeks; already her schedule was half full.  
  
She was seeing the slayer and her sister, as well as an ex-vengeance demon named Anyanka. She was one of D'Hoffryn's, Tara, Willow and Amy, a family of fungus demons, three different vampires, and two trolls seeking pre- marital counseling. The phone had just rung to set and appointment for someone named "William Blakemore" who needed a night appointment due to a job conflict.  
  
She thought of calling Rupert just to chat, but then decided not to. She would have such a conflict of interest, and doubted she could maintain confidentiality.  
  
Buffy and Dawn seemed to be moving slowly forward through all of the problems the two had to overcome, but she sensed that Buff was still repressing a big emotional knot of trouble. Willow's breakthrough pleased her greatly Her dearly hoped the girl could find a happy medium; it would be a shame for the world to lose her talent.  
  
She sighed and went into the kitchen to make another pot of tea and fix a small plate of biscuits. She picked up the tray and headed back to work.  
  
It really was a pity, the trolls seemed to love each other, but their radically different views on what life partners were seemed to doom their union to misery and failure. She hoped they would seriously work together to find a middle ground each willing to change some to meet the other halfway.  
  
. Back at the Summer's home, Spike arrived to find both girls acting giddy and goofy. He was concerned, after hearing that Willow had moved out, he was afraid they were under a spell of some sort.  
  
"Hey now, calm down you two. What's got you so soddin' buzzed?" He demanded.  
  
"We'll tell you but first let's get the munchies in order, Huh?" chirped Dawn.  
  
Buffy was humming as she darted around the kitchen, "Do you want this warm?" she asked.  
  
"I'll do that pet." He offered.  
  
"No, I want to." Buffy responded.  
  
Finally they were settled in the living room, and as Spike took the first sip of his mug, he sputtered, "Have you gone crackers?" This is the expensive stuff! You can't afford this."  
  
"OH yes I can, the counsel has decided to pay me, plus back pay." Buffy crowed. "I quit DMP today. And this is a celebration. So drink up and enjoy."  
  
Spike reached over and hugged her, "That's bloody wonderful, pet. But I thought you had a problem with my 'beverages' is all."  
  
"It's not so much what you drink as how you use to get it. How can I accept you if I can't face what it is you have to 'eat' huh?"  
  
"This is a change, I think I like it." He murmured, then clearing his throat he asked, "What on for tonight? Bit."  
  
Dawn giggled and replied, "Just watch and see," as she popped in the tape.  
  
The three sat back and spent the night laughing through Monty Python's 'Holy Grail' 


	11. Therapy Chapter 11

Chapter 11/Therapy Disclaimer in chapter 1  
  
Later that night after the movie, when Dawn was safely in bed, Buffy and Spike were out on patrol. "Pet are you sure you're ready to face us, to find out what it is between us?"  
  
Buffy sighed deeply, "I don't know. I only know I can't go on in this limbo of feeling nothing except when I'm with you. I know there is something there, I just don't know if it's ... dependence, caring or what?"  
  
He spun her to face him, holding on to her shoulders, "Please don't run off when I say this, but last night, what I felt from you, what we shared, I've never felt before in almost 150 years of life or unlife. I still feel as tho' we're connected. I've felt it all day. I can even tell what time they called you; I got all giddy and lightheaded, at about 12:30. That's when they called right?" He looked into her face, gathering his courage to continue. Buffy nodded in agreement.  
  
"Last night when I said 'I know we can make love' you didn't flinch, you didn't disagree, you just accepted it. Then this is the scary part luv, maybe we should sit?" He nodded toward a bench.  
  
She took his hand and they both walked over and sat.  
  
"Did the poof or your watcher ever explain any of the vampire rituals, about mating?" He asked softly.  
  
She gently shook her head no, staring into his eyes solemnly like a lost child.  
  
"I didn't think so." He murmured.  
  
He took a deep and unneeded breath, then swallowed before continuing, "When two shall exchange blood and make their claim and accept them whilst in consummation, they are mated well and truly for all times, even beyond this earthly plane." He stopped his shoulders sagging.  
  
"That's the way it's worded. Last night I didn't bite you back because I didn't believe you knew what was happening, but I think that because you fulfilled your part of the ritual, and I accepted it, even tho' you are a human, I have been claimed. And now I am bound to you."  
  
He slumped on the bench, head down, afraid to meet her eyes, both taking deep steadying breaths.  
  
Slowly, softly Buffy reached over and stroked his face, turning him to look in his eyes. She leaned forward and brushed his lips with a chaste kiss.  
  
Drawing back she stared deep into the eyes of this being, that was so honest with her it hurt him. She could see the pain in his eyes.  
  
"Have you ever claimed anyone?" timidly the question slipped out.  
  
"No" he almost sighed.  
  
"Has anyone ever claimed you?"  
  
"No, and if you want you can deny the claim, cause you didn't know. I 'd understand if it makes you uncomfortable..." he trailed off.  
  
"Dru never..."  
  
"She thought it was rot. Said 'the pixies whisper it to the stars' whatever the bloody hell that means."  
  
"You know Angel drank from me."  
  
"It's not the drinking, Hell pet. I know you've been bit, but if it's not a claim, ...it doesn't matter."  
  
"It does I want you to know, the first was the Master, part of his ascension, the second was Angel, to cure a poison, only the 'blood of a slayer' would do, and the other one was Dracula, I think he was trying to thrall me, ...didn't work."  
  
"Like I said, you can deny it, I respect your choice." He stared at his feet.  
  
Buffy grasp his face turning him to look at her once again, "Spike look at me. I don't know, I know that last night was more intense, it moved me more deeply and more profoundly than any time we've been together. More than anyone every has. I think we need to wait and see. But I do want you to come home with me tonight."  
  
Spike damn near fell off the bench, she wanted to make love to him in her bed in her home. She had claimed him and not denied the claim. He was floating, happy he didn't have a beating heart. It would have stopped by now if he did. She clasped his hand and walked off to her home, leading him with her. He followed in a daze.  
  



	12. Therapy Chapter 12

Chapter 12/ Therapy Disclaimer in chapter 1 Bold print is internal thoughts  
  
They walked without speaking each deep in thought.  
  
Buffy's mind was traveling at the speed of sound, what have I done? What am I doing? Claimed Spike, I claimed Spike. Do I want him? Why not?  
  
He loves me. He won't leave, he doesn't need me, and he just loves me. But he's a vampire.  
  
He has no soul, but he loves me. His eyes, eyes like that don't lie, can't lie. But...But...  
  
But.. Shut up brain, talk to me heart, you've been quiet too long. Talk to me, what do you want? Him, I want him, he makes me feel. He makes me soar.  
  
He just wants to betray you. Shut up brain, if that was it he could have killed me long ago. So the internal argument continued all the way back to the house.  
  
%%%%%%%%%%%%  
  
Spike was stunned. His feet moved following wherever Buffy led. His mind racing, it's a dream, it's a bloody dream, oh sod it all, stake me now before I wake up.  
  
It is not a dream, bloody hell my neck still hurts. She claimed me, she hasn't denied it.  
  
She's taking soulless undead me to her home to her bed, to make love, oh please.  
  
Please let me do this right, I can't believe she wants me. God don't let me bullocks this up.  
  
%%%%%%%%%  
  
They reached the house too soon and not soon enough. Climbing the stairs slowly quietly, into Buffy's room, she turned closed the door, and locked it. Crossing to her nightstand she turned on the lamp and a radio.  
  
She began to remove his duster and shirt gently like one would a child's clothes, stopping to plant light kisses on his chest and neck, circling him she moved across his back and kneeling behind him, she removed his boots, kneading his feet and stroking up his shins.  
  
He came out of his daze and slowly pulled her up, removed her jacket, and lifted her shirt over her head, kissing her ear down her neck to her shoulder.  
  
Moving around behind her, he loosened her bra and drew it down her arms, wrapped her in his embrace. Nuzzling her neck, lapping slowly at the scars he found there. His hands were caressing her tender breasts, thumbs circling her nipples, sending shivers through her.  
  
He moved his encircling arms down to her waist and unfastened her jeans, slid them down her hips. He knelt behind her lifted her feet and pulled off her shoes and jeans one foot at the time.  
  
First the left foot then the right. Stroking firmly he moved from her feet up her calves to her inner thighs, standing he embraced her again.  
  
She turned in his arms, unbuttoning his jeans as she kissed him deeply sucking on his bottom lip, nipping it.  
  
Her hot little hands pushed his jeans down; as he was released from the restraints she wrapped one hand firmly around his girth, stroking him. He was longer and thicker than anyone she had every known.  
  
She dropped to her knees, greedily taking all of him into her hot little mouth. Sliding up and down his smooth length, sucking strongly, surely. One hand cradling his balls, the other stroking between the cheeks of his ass.  
  
He moaned deeply in his throat, as he fisted both hands into her golden hair. He pulled her up and spun her in his arms to face away from him.  
  
He dropped his mouth to neck, wrapped his right arm around her rubbing her left breast. His left hand slipped beneath the band of her panties, rocking his hardness against her ass, as his fingers trailed down over her clit to the lips of her cunt.  
  
His hand moved down so that his thumb stroked across her clit teasing it as his fingers slowly worked one by one into her wet throbbing center. Buffy moaned deep in her throat, sounding almost like a growl.  
  
He pushed her panties down her thighs, spun her around and knelt before her, slipping them off her feet. He lifted her left leg and hooked it over his shoulder.  
  
Spike buried his mouth in the sweet hot center of her being. Licking, nipping, and kissing he slid his cool tongue into the honeyed hot wetness of her.  
  
Buffy locked her hands in his hair. She trembled and bucked. Her legs were no longer holding her up, he was.  
  
He had twined his arms up around her back supporting her as her first orgasm of the night shot through her. Leaving her limp and sobbing for breath.  
  
Spike laid her back on the bed still suckling at her nether lips, teasing her labia, licking and sucking all the flavor of her into his cool lush mouth. Savoring her scent, soft muck and sunshine.  
  
He watched her, looking up the length of her toned and tanned body. She is amazing, and I'm her with her, bugger all, this is heaven.  
  
His eyes held a quizzical gaze as he watched her. She reached down for him begging softly, "Come to me please. I need to hold you."  
  
He climbed onto the bed and up her body, reminding her of a large jungle cat, so lithe, so swift and graceful. She ran her hands down his chest from his shoulders to his pecs, and down across his ribs to his back.  
  
Amazed at the coolness of him, she was burning alive. They kissed deeply, never breaking the contact, as she bit and teased his lips, he bathed her hot little mouth with his cool tongue.  
  
Their tongues battled, chasing one another, like elusive prey. The heat radiating off her body, scorched him, burning him alive. He couldn't get enough, understanding the compulsion a moth feels.  
  
His cool hands were exploring her, stroking, caressing her from her face to her throat, down to her shoulders, her breasts, palming her nipples, hot and rigid as little branding irons.  
  
Cool hands sweeping down the plain of her ribs to her hips, up the leg she had wrapped across him. Moaning and sighing into her mouth, he finally broke free and buried his face in the crook of her neck. Sighing her name like a mantras, "Buffy, oh god, Buffy"  
  
He lapping at the throbbing vein there, kissing and nibbling it. He felt the power of her heart through his lips and tongue.  
  
All the while her hands ran over him from his hair down his neck to his back scratching and clawing. Around his ribs, searing him, up his abs to his pecs, finally circling his nipples, pinching and twisting painfully. "AUGGH Luv" he groaned, as he arched his back.  
  
Buffy rolled them over and crouched between his legs, licking and kissing him from his chin to his ear, down his neck, all the while her hands stroking and rubbing his belly moving slowly lower.  
  
Her mouth blazed a path down his collarbone to his chest, circling like a hawk to pounce on his nipple, biting and pulling it.  
  
As her hands reached his engorged head, she held it firmly with one hand, flicking softly across the tip with the other. Spike bucked up, arching his spine, crying out.  
  
He reached with one hand to draw her back for a kiss; the other hand snaked down to her quim, rubbing, diving, and fingers in, quick and hard, stroking deeply finding her spot.  
  
Circling it mercilessly, driving her over the edge again, feeling her inner walls grasping pulling, squeezing, holding him there. Drenching his hand, branding him with her heat.  
  
She collapsed boneless on his chest, shaking, shuddering, and panting for breath. His hand never stopped, his lips and mouth kissing, licking, and nipping at her neck.  
  
Before she had calmed the shaking of her body, he was driving her again, up, harder, faster, and over the edge into the sweet oblivion of another orgasm. She couldn't tell where one ended and the other began.  
  
She thrashed in ecstasy, "Spike,-- oh god,-- oh Spike," Her eyesight was gone, everything a white blur.  
  
"Oh god,--love,--me,--oh stop" She couldn't breath, lungs raking in fire not air.  
  
"don't—stop—never—stop" her muscles gone, no control, spasms beginning at her core.  
  
"—oh god, --dying—I'm dying—ahhhh, "her heart exploded, her head rolled back, and just before she bowed back rigid, he kissed her.  
  
Then he felt it. Her body was in overload, and her heart was pounding in an irregular and frantic rhythm. Her muscle began to convulse. "Oh shit, Buffy!" he cried.  
  
"Pet, don't leave me, stay with me luv, Hush, kitten." He murmured over and over to her as he laid her beside him stroking her face.  
  
He was frightened, her heart was pounding so hard and so fast, he was truly afraid for her. He murmured to her, "Breath, my luv, slow hun, breath easy pet." He sobbed, "Buffy don't leave me, come back to me."  
  
Franticly he stroked and soothed her, as her heart began to slow and her breathing began to appear more regular. Ardor forgotten in his panic. He hugged her close, "We'll stop, no more luv, I'm sorry."  
  
As she slowly became aware of her surroundings, he gasped, "Buffy, you scared me outta my bleeding mind, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to push to that point. I won't drive you that hard again, please forgive me."  
  
She giggled softly and whispered, "Liked it, wanna drive you, please-- can't stop, feels like heaven."  
  
Spike sat up and pulled her into his lap. "No pet you were in real trouble there. I can't loose you again. Not now, I'm yours for all time, remember that." He peppered her face with kisses.  
  
"Spike" she began softly, the corners of her mouth turned down, "I..." she stopped head down, "I don't want to..."  
  
"Hush my sweet. You don't have to say it. You want out of the claim, it's done, you can forget it, and I'll never tell a soul." He kissed her tenderly, tears slipping down his cheeks.  
  
Buffy sat and stared, Spike crying, without thinking she kissed away the tears.  
  
She took a deep shuddering breath, laid her hand against his face and turned him to look straight into her eyes. "Listen to me you crazy fool, I don't know what I want but, "she hesitated, closing her eyes and breathing deeply.  
  
"I've finally realized that it is you I want in my life. If you think you can put up with me. God knows I drive men away, first my father, then Angel, Parker, Riley, and Giles. I can't stand it anymore. I'm sick of being afraid to care about someone."  
  
Spike held her face between his hands, tracing her cheeks. "Buffy, my sweet, I love you, I love Bit. The only way I'll every leave you is as dust."  
  
He took a deep breath, "I may drive you crazy, sod it all, I am trying to remember how to interact with humans, But I've still got my temper. That doesn't mean I don't care."  
  
Spike grinned, "I know you're the slayer, and you don't need my help, but I want to help you. I can't stand the thought that you could be hurt, and I'd have made the difference,"  
  
A grimace crossed his face, "I failed you once, I don't think I can stand it if it happened again."  
  
"I know you feel that way, but Spike you didn't fail. You did all anyone could." She answered.  
  
"Have you truly thought about 'us'? Your mates will not be pleased. The whelp is likely to have a seizure."  
  
Buffy kissed him, "Spike shut up and make love to me." She ordered.  
  
Returning her kiss he replied, "Only if we go slow Luv."  
  
With that she kissed him wildly, passionately, and deeply. Pulling him over on top of her, she began to rub her hands up his ribs. She rocked her hips against him. He was growing hard again.  
  
He began to rub his cock against her clit, levering himself up to attend her sweet breast, leaning on his right arm, his hand clutching her hair.  
  
He sucked hard on the left nipple like a newborn babe, palming and teasing the right one with his hand. Rocking gently against her in slow circles, the fire building slowly between them, her labia swelled, and she was wet once more.  
  
He stopped rocking, as she mewled in protest. With his left hand he lifted her rear, tilting her hips upward. Her legs were wrapped around him as he slid the head of his cock into her waiting center.  
  
With the smallest of moves he slipped into her little by little, until Buffy suddenly lunged upward impaling herself on him.  
  
Both groaned, as he lowered onto his arms to take his weight on the bed. Both savoring the union their bodies made. Kissing her tenderly, he swirled his hips grinding fully into her.  
  
She arched up to meet him, clutching him to her with her arms and legs, scoring his flesh with her nails.  
  
Again they began the dance, slowly, calmly, gently, building in intensity. Spike felt waves of fire rushing through his body. Starting as his cock spinning out and back gathering like a storm deep in the center of his being, marking him, and scouring his very essence.  
  
A buzzing roar sounding like the wind filled his head. Something was growing, expanding trying to explode out of his chest.  
  
Deep in the core of her soul Buffy, could almost see the light building, golden soft, blinding, it wafted out filling her body completely.  
  
She pulled Spike down to kiss her bite mark, murmuring "I want you". She nipped at his neck again, her orgasm gathered waiting, "Come with me---NOW" she pleaded. A keening cut through her very soul, her heart erupted with the emotions hidden there.  
  
In a deep and guttural voice he pledged, "I'm always be with you." He plunged into harder and deeper then every before.  
  
Buffy bit down on his wound, crying out "Mine forever" as she again swallowed his blood. She felt and saw herself through his eyes. Marveling at the rush of tenderness and love she felt.  
  
Spike pledged "Yours, forever" as he bit her soft silky neck with his blunt teeth. Their orgasms unleashed and rocketed through the couple, locking them once again in the 'little death' their emotions produced.  
  
Slowly they returned to themselves, Spike nuzzling her. Not withdrawing, holding her to him.  
  
Buffy was purring almost like a kitten. She softly giggled. Turning Spike's face to hers she whispered, "I can feel you grow inside me, I'm ready if you are."  
  
"Anytime you want me luv, I belong to you." He purred back. She had claimed him truly this time, ignorance no longer an excuse.  
  
Spike was ecstatic; his golden goddess, Buffy, had claimed him.  
  
This time was playful, full of fun, lots of tickles giggles, and true laughter, sated they drifted gently to sleep.   
  
4:30am Spike awoke, false dawn, he ran his hands over his love in a soft caress, and began to slip out of bed.  
  
Buffy stirred, "Don't go," she murmured softly.  
  
"What about Nibblet? Need to get out of here before sunrise." He sighed  
  
"I really am starting to dislike the sun, and she knows remember. Get back here." She rubbed the sheet next to her.  
  
"You really do want me to stay?" He asked hesitantly.  
  
"Yes I want you to stay, come here."  
  
Purring he slide back into the warm pocket between the sheets and spooned next to his golden queen.  
  
Sunday morning as a sleep ruffled Dawn padded down the hall to the bathroom she passed Buffy's closed door. Weird she thought she usually leaves it cracked. As she came back down the hall she silently tried the knob, locked. A mischievous smile lit her face as she tiptoed down the stairs to reach the kitchen.  
  
Big Sunday breakfast was just what she needed to tweak both her sister and her best friend. About time they wised up, Dawn had known they belonged together forever.  
  
Twenty minutes later Dawn pounded up the stairs and rapped sharply on Buffy's door. In a much too cheerful voice she almost sang, "Breakfast is ready. If you two don't hustle I'll eat is all myself. 'Sides your mug'll get all cold and gunky Spike."  
  
"What 'mug' are you prattling about bit?" He snapped.  
  
"Toasty warm O Neg, oh blond one." Dawn giggled.  
  
"Be right down, don't you dare eat it all" Buffy called back.  
  
Dawn giggled and sprinted down the steps as she heard them start to stir.  
  
Spike and Buffy arrived a short while later, and on the kitchen island they found an array of waffles, bacon, coffee, OJ and Spike's mug.  
  
As they sat eating and chatting, Dawn's efforts were praised and appreciated. She announced that she was heading to Janice's to work on a project for school, and would be home shortly before dark, leaving the couple alone for the rest of the day.  
  
The lovers spent the day relaxed, and discovering the new easiness that they shared. There former 'battles' with sharpened tongues now forgotten as they found the joy the same 'weapons' could bestow. They no long used speech to assault each other with emotional pain, but with the tenderness of love 


	13. Therapy Chapter 13

Chapter 13 / Therapy Disclaimer in chapter 1  
  
Willow spent her Sunday deep in thought and journaling furiously, loathing herself, making sure she allowed no mercy in cataloging all the damage she had caused to the people she loved.  
  
Facing her controlling actions and the harm she had brought into being. She vacillated between horror at her behavior, and a soul shattering sorry for the loses she was feeling.  
  
Knowing she was blessed with friends that had not turned from her, she wondered what they had seen in her to keep them standing by her.  
  
She could hardly wait for her next session with Jule. She had a lot of work to do. She had a list of her mistakes and was anxious to start repairing the damage to her friendships.  
  
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%  
  
Monday morning Willow marched purposefully into Jule's office, clutching her journal  
  
Jule sat at the reception desk, looking up she said, "Willow I'm the one who should be taking notes, you aren't going to be tested on the work we do. You do know that right?"  
  
"Well, I did some work on my own and I thought you might, -um, - I thought we could go over it together." She explained.  
  
"I see. I guess you're ready to get started then?" Jule responded.  
  
They moved into the office, and settles in their chairs, as Willow flipped open her journal, "I made a list of what I've done wrong and maybe how I can fix it."  
  
"Willow, I thought you had realized the you shouldn't 'fix' things, you need to change your way of reacting to things." Jule stated firmly.  
  
"No, no. I didn't mean fix it fix it. I mean, I meant atone for it, change the way I approach it." She whispered.  
  
"Atone?" Jule questioned, "Why do you feel the need to atone for your actions?"  
  
"I think it all started early in my freshman year of college." Willow began, "My boyfriend was a werewolf, and a musician. Veruca was a female singer, and a werewolf too."  
  
"Ahem," she cleared her throat, "She ran wild, while Oz would lock himself in a cage on the three night of the full moon. She seduced him, and I was so hurt I started to do a vengeance spell on them."  
  
Willow blushed, "I didn't finish it, but Oz had to kill her to protect me, and he decided to leave until he could control the wolf inside. It really hurt me that he didn't want to stay with me."  
  
"But that is where I started to use magic to solve problems. I should have learned. I didn't though."  
  
Jule looked straight at Willow and asked, "Is that the first time your emotions effected your magic?"  
  
"Well, no but it was the first conscious time, the first time It was just levitating a pencil, you know practicing control, and I started to talk about a girl that really pissed me off, and I planted the pencil about 5 inches deep in a tree."  
  
"I see, shall we get on with your list?"  
  
"About two weeks after Oz left I was feeling really depressed, and I tried to do a 'My Will Be Done' spell, to make him come back, but instead...."  
  
"Instead what?"  
  
"I felt like nobody cared and I got mad and said a lot of spiteful things, that came true."  
  
"Like what?" Jule probed.  
  
"I said Giles was too 'Blind' to see, and Xander was just a 'Demon Magnet' and that Buffy and Spike should just 'Get Married' and it all happened."  
  
"You corrected it though. Right?"  
  
"Yes and they weren't really mad at me, they forgave me. I was still very new to the craft it was a mistake, and I baked a bunch of cookies."  
  
"I see forgiveness through baked goods." Jule replied.  
  
"My next big mistake was when Faith pulled a body switch with Buffy, I didn't even realize it. Tara was the one, I doubted her. But finally, we did a spell that switched her back." Willow sniffled, "It shouldn't have taken so long, I should have seen it."  
  
Willow exhaled deeply, "My next error was Jealousy. Plain and simple. Xander was dating Anya, and I was so sure she was out to hurt him, that we were arguing in the 'Magic Box' and I released a Troll." "A Troll?" Jule was puzzled.  
  
"Not just any Troll, it was Olaf, one that Anya had cursed and boy did he wreak havoc, he destroyed the 'Bronze' and hurt a lot of people."  
  
"So far it appears that you have an anger problem, as well as a magic problem." Jule observed.  
  
"Yeah but this is where I started to fix things." Willow answered. "When Joyce died, Dawn was so upset, she asked me to bring her back. Tara said no we couldn't, but I knew it could be done."  
  
Jule looked horrified, "You didn't did you?"  
  
"No, but I nudged the book with the spell out so Dawn could find it. Tara reamed me out about it, and I told Buffy, she stopped Dawn before it was too late."  
  
"Tara and I had a big fight about it all, that was when Glory did her mind suck thing on Tara, and I got all avenging lover, and faced off a 'Hell God' Buffy had to come in and save me. But I did manage to hurt her."  
  
"I see so anger was a big part of your power? Is that right?" Jule asked.  
  
"Yes it seems to have been that way. Cause when Glory kidnapped Dawn and Buffy went catatonic, I knew I could go into her mind and reach her, but Spike and Giles were in my face warning me of the dangers. It ticked me off enough to do it anyway, and it worked."  
  
"Go on."  
  
"When we had the show-down with Glory, I was so furious, at what she had done to the people I loved, I found powers I never knew I had. I ripped Tara's mind back from her, and could talk to the gang telepathically. But Buffy died anyway."  
  
"And you were what? Angry, that you didn't save the day?"  
  
Willow looked down sighing, "I think I was angry that Buffy didn't wait for me to 'fix it' so I spent the whole time she was dead directing the patrolling and augmenting the gang with my power."  
  
Willow stared at Jule, "I wanted to bring Buffy back, I rationalized it that she was in a hell dimension, but really I wanted her to see how strong I had become. To admit I didn't need her protection, I could handle myself."  
  
In a defeated voice she continued, "I didn't even get that right, Oh Buffy's all right, but I brought back a demon with her. It's called thaumogenisis. The price you pay if you ask the powers for more than your share."  
  
Willow sat up straighter and said, "I am such a fool, I went off on a rant about the stereotyping of witches, and I see now that it's the way people visualize what happens to those of us that use the craft for our own good."  
  
Her voice softened, "Tara and I had a fight about it and I used Lethe's weed to make her forget. Then Sweet came to town and we found out that Buffy had been in heaven, I told the gang I could make her forget it and then she'd feel better, but Tara got mad and told me I was using to much magic, she threatened to leave. I told her I would quit for a month."  
  
Willow sobbed, "But I 'knew' better, so I did another Lethe's spell, but it was too much, and everyone lost their memories. Nobody knew who they were, and it almost got us killed." She stopped to wipe her eyes, "That was when I lost Tara's trust, and she left me."  
  
Willow blew her nose as she continued, "I really let my emotions get the better of me then, I turned Amy back into a human, and the two of us started going on these sprees."  
  
Wringing her hands she forged on, "I started going to Rack's and I got so overloaded, then I nearly killed Dawn. I'm on probation with me friends, they are so afraid I'll go back to it, that they don't trust me."  
  
Willow sat like a wind-up toy with a broken spring, as Jule looked at her.  
  
"Willow, You seem to be seeing more clearly what has happened to you. Do you see a way to change what has happened, and how your friends feel or react to you?"  
  
"Maybe if I talk to them, I mean really talk, to them. Explain what I was feeling, and why I was acting that way. Maybe if they understood it they might be able to rebuild the trust."  
  
"Would you like to 'rehearse' on me?" Jule asked.  
  
"I think so. Here goes. Ahem. I was always the geek, the bookworm, and computer freak. When I found out I was able to use the craft, it gave me a false confidence. I began to feel like I knew more, and was smarter than non-craft people. I stopped listening to you and to my own self. My ego took over."  
  
"Instead of facing my anger, I used magic. I was wrong, and I ask you to forgive me, and to help me remember that life is for the individual to live, not for your friends to control."  
  
Jule's eyes lit up, "I am truly impressed. Willow, that was wonderful. If you really mean what you said, I see you and your friends finding your way back to each other. But you and I need to work on anger management for you as well."  
  
"OK, but do you really think they will forgive me? Then it's worth it to give up the magic." Willow stated.  
  
"I wanted to talk with you about that."Jule said.  
  
"Why?" Willow was puzzled.  
  
"I think it may be possible for you to still use magic. But it will be hard."  
  
"NO I don't even want to think about it." Willow stormed.  
  
"Listen please, I am not saying solo. I have an acquaintance that teaches Wiccan theory, and she is the high priestess of a coven. She could help you start with little steps."  
  
"But you don't understand! Any magic at all and I get all sparky and buzzy, I lose all control, it controls me, like I've burned out my capacitors or something." Willow wailed.  
  
"Than you definitely need to see Rowan. She can take you through a ritual purge To cleanse your system. It sounds as if you need one and the sooner the better."  
  
A purge? To take it away?"  
  
"Just a cleansing to empty out the overload." Jule explained. "It will bring balance back to you."  
  
"I think I should see her." Willow agreed.  
  
"Good I'll give you her number as we go out our time is up for today." Jule answered.  
  
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%  
  
Willow and Jule walked out of the office to the front desk. Then they set her next appointment, and she got the phone number for Rowan. 


	14. Therapy Chapter 14

Chapter 14/ Therapy Disclaimer in chapter 1  
  
Finally Spike has a session Spike speech on 'Love' is a direct quote from Lover's walk  
  
Monday evening just after sunset, the bell on the door to Jule's office jangled alerting her to the arrival of her evening appointment, a Mr. William Blakemore. Jule had let him tell her about a time conflict with his job, and then simply set his nighttime appointment.  
  
She walked into the reception area, and was taken back by the man who greeted her. He was of average height, about 5'10, well built with no excess weight, about 160lbs but the black mid-calf length leather duster over the soft gray pullover, black jeans and black boots gave him the appearance of a greater stature.  
  
His hair was a startling platinum blonde, combed back and rigid with gel. His face was chiseled, with sharp cheeks and a lush looking mouth. What arrested her breathing were the eyes of this man.  
  
Long, thick lashes of dark smoky gray, and thick brows, the left one scared, surrounded deep cerulean blue eyes, giving his face the look of a renaissance work. This face belongs in a painting, was her thought.  
  
"Good evening," he spoke with a soft cultured English accent, "I'm William Blakemore. You would be Dr. Thalia?" He offered his hand.  
  
"Yes I am, but you can call me Jule." She shook his hand.  
  
"And what type of Jewel are you, luv, opal, emerald or a diamond?" he queried.  
  
"It's short for Julianna. Mr. Blakemore. Shall we move into the office?  
  
The two walked in and sat down.  
  
"So pet what did the handshake tell you?"  
  
"First, You are a vampire, a rather old one for Sunnydale, I doubt your name is Blakemore and you're experiencing severe emotional troubles in your life right now." Jule responded.  
  
"Right on all counts, I've been a vampire for 122 yrs, and I am known as William the Bloody or Spike. Blakemore was something I pulled out of thin air. I was read Blake when I called you; I suppose that's as good a reason as any. I am here to figure out what to do with myself."  
  
"What would you prefer I call you?" Jule asked.  
  
"Spike'll do," He answered.  
  
"Ok Spike, why don't you tell me what you see as your options, and what has you so upset."  
  
"First things first. This goes no further than us right?" Spike asked.  
  
"Client therapist confidentiality, no one knows but us."  
  
"Good," he sighed and settled back in his chair, "What do you know about me? I've heard you worked for the Watcher's Council."  
  
"Well your bio is that you were turned in 1880 by Drusilla the Mad, were part of the 'Scourge of Europe' and have slain two slayers. The Initiative implanted a microchip that inhibits violence against humans. So you are no longer a priority on the list."  
  
"I see you've done some homework. I came to Sunnydale after The Master death. I had plans you see."  
  
"First I killed the 'Anointed One' and I was going to bag my third slayer so Dru would be healed and burn the town to the ground."  
  
"You said you 'had' plans." Jule probed.  
  
"Those all changed the moment I saw her. She was 'dating' Angelus. He was in love with her. I thought I would finally score against him if I took his girl away." He snarled.  
  
"I thought, --well isn't he your grand sire?"  
  
"Soddin' Poof, He gets a soul and bam he's gone. Left me with the bitch and Dru to look after."  
  
"Figured I'd get a little of me own back, cause him some grief, but ...the best laid plans." Spike hissed.  
  
"What happened to change your plans?" Jule was curious.  
  
"She is unlike any slayer, any human, I've ever seen. There's an inner fire, a glow of power, like an archangel would embody." Spike stared off as he continued.  
  
"Decided to test her, to learn her strengths and her weaknesses. She had a support system of family and friends. The others were alone. They had no one but their Watcher."  
  
"Um, I see" Jule gazed at him.  
  
"I found the ritual to restore my dark princess, it required the blood of her Sire. That would be Angel the slayers sweetheart. So to insure that we would be successful, I hired the Taraka to take care of her." He stared at his feet.  
  
"But bloody hell, if this tiny little slip of a girl, all 5 foot nothing and 100 lbs of her, defeated them and interrupted the ritual. We fought, god it was a beautiful dance. She defeated me again." He chuckled.  
  
"Dropped a church pipe organ on me and left me in the fiery ruins of that church." A soft smile lit his face. "My plum saved me, she brought me back to our lair to heal, the ritual had worked she was strong again."  
  
"Dru had decided to resurrect 'The Judge'. She wanted to destroy the slayer and everything on the hellmouth. I wanted to make her happy. So I agreed."  
  
"That was what I told myself, it was for Dru. Figured she forget about it and be off on another scheme. Deep inside I knew the slayer would win, if it came down to it. I wanted to watch her dance."  
  
"When you say 'Dance', what exactly do you mean?' Jule asked.  
  
"When she fights, it's a thing of beauty, pure poetry in motion. A petite golden child that weaves and sways like a reed. She looks so frail and so fragile like fine bone china." He swallowed.  
  
"And her mouth, there are always quips, and pun, that are as lethal as her hands and feet."  
  
"In her very core she as strong as tungsten steel. She is truly a diamond, hardest material known in the world and just as beautiful, with a fire burning in her soul that shines through." Spike seemed to drift off in thought.  
  
"You admired her."  
  
"Exactly. Then it all came apart. Angelus returned. If Dru is 'mad', Angelus is psychotic. Buffy broke the gypsy's curse, she gave him true happiness, and his soul was lost." Spike's face looked like a thunderstorm.  
  
"A vampire is driven by bloodlust. I enjoyed the hunt, and the feeding. The old Angelus had tried to prove to the world the he was a man of 'culture'. He created 'art' posing his kills and such." Spike rumbled.  
  
Spike shook his head, "But the new Angelus--- God he was a twisted wanker. I am a Master Vampire, just stuck in a wheel chair waiting for my spine and legs to heal. Dru and I had been together for nearly a hundred years."  
  
Bitterness wrecked his shoulders, "I know what I endured at Angelus and Darla hands as a fledgling, and I knew what he had done to my sweet plum. He had systematically driven her over the edge before he turned her."  
  
Anger flared in his eyes turning them golden, "The physical torture after she was turned. Here he was trying to do the same thing to Buffy. Tearing away her friends and family one by one, waiting, drawing it out."  
  
"He thought because Dru was ready to help him play, he was in control. Nothing I said made any difference. Slayer destroyed 'the Judge'. One shot. Blasted him to kingdom come." A grin flitted across his face.  
  
"The ponce went too far, he murdered and posed her watcher's girlfriend. That stirred up a hornet's nest. Between the watcher and the slayer our lair was destroyed along with half of my minions." He fairly growled.  
  
"He went completely barmy, decided to raise 'Alcatha' was going to destroy the whole world. Bollocks! Never was one to think. If you destroy the world, what are you going to eat? Where are you going to live?"  
  
"I know I have a one way ticket to hell when I'm dusted. I don't care to go any sooner." Spike stated. "That was when I realized I had to work with the slayer. I like the world as it is. She was doing her damnedest to keep it safe for us all."  
  
"The deal was I'd help her defeat Angelus, then Dru and I would leave, never to return. At least that was my plan. But again the world turns and plans change."  
  
"My princess and I were in Brazil, she blamed me for the lose of her 'Daddy', she claimed I wasn't evil enough for her anymore. It was the slayer had made me soft. She left me for a Chaos Demon."  
  
Spike sighed softly, "I came back to Sunnyhell, I figured take out 'Angel' but I decided to get the little witch to work a love spell, from here it would be stronger than normal, and Dru would come back to me."  
  
"Just a quick run in, do the deed and out again. But again Buffy changed all that. Angel was helping her, and they were so busy fighting their attraction to each other, saying they were just friends. I just had to tell them what love really is." He smirked.  
  
He closed his eyes and said, "You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood...blood screaming inside you to work its will. Then I said, I may be loves bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."  
  
Spike chuckled, "I never did get a 'love spell' I decided to go get Dru and prove to her just how evil I was. Worked for a while."  
  
"But Dru was right. I was covered in the slayer. My plum said I tasted of ashes. She left me again, for a Fungus Demon. That was the last time. I had found a manuscript that held the location of the 'Gem of Amara'."  
  
"What is the 'Gem of Amara'? And why was it so important to you?" Quizzed Jule.  
  
"It was a Legend. Suppose to make a Vampire almost invincible, impervious to sunlight, holy water, crosses, garlic and stakes."  
  
"The manuscript was is Spanish, it described the hiding place as 'El Valle del Sol' or the valley of the sun and as 'La Boca del Infierno' or the mouth of hell." He sighed deeply, "Both are names for Sunnydale. I thought I'd come back get my gem, kill my third slayer, and be off to travel the world."  
  
Chuckling he continued, "Plans change, I hooked up with 'Harmony' that girl is a waste of good blood. She was all right for shaggin' but God she hadn't any brains. I found my gem, and all cocksure I took off after the slayer."  
  
His eyebrows drew together, "I was following her at University, and heard that she's been played by some frat boy. He'd used her for a one-night stand. I was furious. I didn't know why. Why did it hurt to hear that?"  
  
"Of course she kicked my ass right proper. And she took my gem. She sent it to the ponce in L.A., and I went to get it back. Again big mistake, not only lost the gem, lost any chance of makin' peace with the poof."  
  
"I had had it, I was going to kill this girl. She had taken everything from me. It left me so .... unsettled, off-balance. My demon was screaming for her. Just how stupid can a man get?" He shook his head.  
  
"Why do you say you were stupid?" prodded Jule.  
  
"I came harrying back and the soldier boys nabbed me. Fixed me up, they did. A behavioral chip implanted in the cranium. The only chance I had to get the blasted thing out was to work with the slayer and her little friends." He growled.  
  
"I spent a year working with them telling myself I hated her and her chums. But the longer I went without human blood, the more I realized I was lying to myself. I love her and Lil Bit. Not only the human but my demon half loves 'em to." He stated softly.  
  
"You love the Slayer? Why do you think you love her?" Jule asked.  
  
"You think I'm daft don't you? I'm not. I want to be with her, not just sexually, but to talk to, to spend time with, to be a part of her life and her world. I want to be her partner in everything."  
  
"Are you talking about marriage?" Jule looked stunned.  
  
"God no. She rather die again then marry me." He closed his eyes against the pain.  
  
"William, the man I use to be, was a poet, a hopeless romantic. I was the only son to survive to adulthood, and I buried my three younger sisters, my father, and my brother. Victorian times you see. Pneumonia, influenza, and consumption, illness the great leveler of man."  
  
"I died for love. The night I was turned, my heart had been broken. The woman I loved rejected me. Completely, she said I was beneath her. I fled the humiliation in to the nighttime streets of London. That was where Dru found me." He looked into Jule's eyes.  
  
"I was such a sad little toff. I wanted to be accepted, approved of, to belong so badly, that I changed myself into Spike. To gain Angelus respect and Dru's 'love'."  
  
He looked dejected, "I still carry the rage I felt at being the laughing stock, the whipping boy. Both as a human and as a fledgling."  
  
"You say you still carry rage, is that what you want to work on?"  
  
"To large degree, but I'm still taking the crumbs that are thrown my way. Last year before she died Buffy had begun to treat me like a man, a member of the team." He pinched the bridge of his nose.  
  
"The night she died, I vowed to protect Bit until the end of the world. I was in love with Buffy by then, I had told her, and she had blown me off. But I believed that if I stayed the course and could show her that I was more than a demon...." His voice faded away.  
  
Jule sat and waited.  
  
"But then she died, there I was staring at her body. It lay broken and lifeless on that pile of bricks. I couldn't move, I just wept. If it hadn't been for Bit, I'd have burnt that morning."  
  
"She pulled me out of the sun. The two of us just sat there and cried, rocking and hugging one another. I realized Buffy had given me a gift. She had entrusted me to protect the most precious thing in her life."  
  
"The rest of the gang handled the funeral and all the mundane minutia of life. My job was to help Bit heal and live her life. If she hadn't been there I'd have gladly met the sun."  
  
"For 147 days I did what she wanted. I was there for my Nibblet, and was part of the gang. I began to think I belonged."  
  
"Then Red, the demon girl, Tinkerbell, and the bricklayer worked some serious mojo to bring her back. God, I was so torn when I saw her come down the stairs." His blinked his eyes desperately.  
  
His voice cracked, "This was Buffy, my golden goddess, the only sunlight in my undead life. But at what cost? There was a brittle hollowness to her, still is, but not as brittle now. I knew that the Powers couldn't have been cruel to her. I was in hell with her dead, but I knew she was at peace."  
  
"When I looked into her eyes she was so lost, so confused, it was as if her soul was bruised. What had this bunch of children done to her? The sods had left her in her grave to dig her way out. She found me a few days later and confided to me that she had been in heaven, and they had torn her out. Thrusting her into a world of harsh light, sharp edges, and violence."  
  
"I know my heart is dead, it doesn't beat, but it broke for her. I wanted to take away all her pain, to keep her safe, to wrap her in my arms and protect her, but she wouldn't want that." He murmured.  
  
"How do you know she wouldn't want that?" Jule softly asked.  
  
"Bloody hell, I'm a vampire, she's the slayer. She's told me often enough." He barked, "And she doesn't want me around Bit anymore."  
  
"She's told you that?" Jule was perplexed.  
  
"Repeatedly."  
  
"The first month or so, she'd come to me, come to my crypt, and just talk, just be there with me. She was like a person in shell shock; I guess they call it PTSD now."  
  
"We patrolled together, we still do. And we would talk. Then the whelp summons Sweet to town, and we did a big truth sing."  
  
"Bollocks, I 'sang' that she was using me because she didn't want her mates to know. I told her she was hurting me, my love for her was real and growing, either face it or let me rest in peace." Anger flashed across his face.  
  
"But in the end she told them all about being in heaven. She was dancing and starting to burn. The fools all just stood there. I stopped her, and asked her to live, so that at least one of us was living."  
  
"They started with the big closing number, and I left. She ran out after me, and that was when she kissed me. Not some peck on the cheek, but a passionate, deep, emotion filled kiss. Then she ran away." He looked confused.  
  
"Did it end there?" Jule asked.  
  
"No, about a week later, Red mucked up a memory spell. Was the second time that Red's spell had brought us to the very edge of an affair. The first time I asked her to marry me and she said yes, course it was all the mojo. After it was all over and her watcher left, she kissed me again at the Bronze without the magics. This one was even more intense, but again she fled into the night."  
  
He wiggled in his chair, "When the Nerds stole the diamond from the museum, she and I were arguing, and she hit me, I don't know why but I hit her back. It had been the pattern with us. The chip didn't work. I felt no pain."  
  
"I checked it out, couldn't hurt any other human, I had robot boy run a diagnostic on it. Its still works, just not on her. I confronted her; I said she'd come back 'wrong'. I know I said it all badly."  
  
"I wanted to let her know that the lack of emotions she was suffering may have been because of the spell. But my anger got in the way. I wasn't angry with her, but with her chums." He sighed.  
  
"I wanted to shake her out of the stupor she was living in. She looked like a trapped animal. She was so afraid. She lashed out. We had a real rough and tumble. We actually knocked down an old building with our fight."  
  
"I told her she was afraid to let me in, she was afraid I'd hurt her. She couldn't face what I was saying and she kissed me, Her passion and mine ignited. We had wild, passionate, almost animalistic sex, all night, toward dawn, I made love to her." He sat with his emotions open.  
  
"Sunup and she was desperate to run away, I lashed out verbally I said that vampires got her hot. Will I never learn to shut up? I wanted her to stay. Explore what we had done, and where we were headed."  
  
"But she --- she said I was a convenience; I lashed out with 'I was only useful when she had an itch to scratch'. She said, I was a vile, evil perverted thing, a monster, not a man. I snapped back with 'I may be dirt, but you like to roll around in it' and she ran away." Like a broken man he slumped in his chair.  
  
"We still patrolled, but when we talked it's stilted. I didn't dare push her; I was so frightened she'll break. If I'd stepped wrong she'd have done an uninvited on the house, that can't happen. If Nibblet needs me I have to be able to help her." His eyes were haunted.  
  
"I saw just how far she'd pulled away from her friends. Red was dealing with Rack, and she got Nibblet involved and bloody near got her killed. Buffy just left the poor girl lying there in the dirt, broken and weeping. I had to push to go help her 'best' friend." He whispered.  
  
"She's had me scared. The nerds turned her invisible, didn't even try to figure it out. She came to me for more sexual olympics, saying she was free of life finally. I threw her out."  
  
"If you love her why didn't you want her there?" asked Jule.  
  
"It hurt to see her using our affair to hide from her life. It had to be a secret, She'd told me if I told anyone she'd kill me, and she meant it." He continued, "Then she took this dead end, life sucking job. It was killing her slowly, and she wouldn't let me help her."  
  
"She was on a destructive path, and I didn't know how to reach her. The only time she was alive, feeling any emotion was while we were having sex or when she was in a slaying rage."  
  
"I thought I was starting to reach her; we were beginning to have conversations again, especially after the sex. She was beginning to let me make love to her, to play the silly games lovers play."  
  
He grimaced as if in pain, "Then that girl got killed. We tangled with a couple of Rwasudi Demons, and the girl was killed. She blamed herself. I knew she couldn't have done it. But she was determined to turn herself in. I hid the body, and tried to stop her."  
  
"I confronted her, in the alley by the police station. I pushed her to a rage. I told her to put it on me."  
  
"Put what on you?" Jule asked softly.  
  
"Her rage, her pain, said I'd take it all. I love her. She did. I ended up with 6 broken ribs, 2 black eyes, a broken nose, and my jaw broken in 3 places, as well as a concussion. I just let her whale on me. I thought she'd let go of all she has bottled up."  
  
"Did it work?"  
  
"No, She called me a thing, a disgusting thing, with no soul. Said I couldn't love, I was a monster. That she could never be my girl." He nearly wept.  
  
"Then I found out that she's abandoned Dawn, she's withdrawn so far that Nibblet is attracting 'Vengeance Demons' and stealing. It was eating me up inside. What do I do?" He plead with Jule, "I've backed away from my Lil Bit to give Buffy time with her, and now I find out Dawn needs me as much or more."  
  
"But this last week--- Buffy came to me and asked if we could 'try tenderness'. I was stunned. She spent the whole night with me, in my arms." He glowed.  
  
"She talked about letting go, that her mates were on their own. Her only responsibilities were Nibblet and slaying. She was ready to live her life for herself." He cleared his throat.  
  
"She even told Bit that we were seeing each other. Nibblet was happy that Buffy had been with me instead of running from her. We had a Saturday night 'date' of sorts. The Summers women and I watched videos." A smile like sunshine bathed his face.  
  
"Buffy and I patrolled that night, and then she invited me to spend the night with her, in her home. Bit made us breakfast, and then spent the day at her chum's house so that Buffy and I could be alone." His eyes sparkled.  
  
"It looks as if you did 'stay the course' and achieve your goal." Jule said.  
  
"Yes and no. How much do you know about vampiric rites?" He hedged.  
  
"Just the basic sire childe bonds, claiming of human minions that's really all." Jule answered.  
  
"There is another type of claiming. It's to claim a mate." He drew a deep breath, "And it is extremely rare."  
  
"Oh, why I am nervous?" asked Jule.  
  
"You're not alone. Mating claims are, as I said extremely rare between vampires, but I have only heard of two cases involving a human and vampire couple." He shivered in his chair, "This is why I am so confused. You see...."  
  
Spike was almost vibrating in his seat as he continued, "The wording of the mating claim is; 'When two shall exchange blood and make their claim, and accept them whilst in consummation, they are mated well and truly for all times, even beyond this earthly plane.' Do you understand what that means?"  
  
Jule looked at him nervously, "I believe I do. Why are you asking me?"  
  
"Friday night Buffy claimed me, in the climax of her 'tenderness' she reached up and bit me hard enough to draw blood then she claimed me. I didn't reciprocate. I didn't think she understood what she had done." He ran his hand through his hair. "The Mating Bond usually empowers the claimant with the ability to read and feel the others emotions."  
  
"I explained it to her Saturday night when I realized that she bonded me to her. I let her know that I was willing to deny the claim if she didn't want it." Spike tugged at his lip.  
  
"She's says she's not sure what it is we have, but she never wants me to leave her. She's so afraid everyone she's ever counted on, ever loved has left her. She renewed the claim Saturday, and I accepted. Now I am hers. But instead of her reading me and knowing what I feel, I feel what she feels; I share her emotions, her wants, and her pain. And I'm terrified."  
  
"Is this emotional bond two way?" Jule stammered.  
  
"No. I'm the only one that has it. Or so she says. But I want to claim her, so badly. It hurts to want something this much."  
  
"Does she honestly know what she has done?"  
  
"I told her that it was eternal, I stressed it. I volunteered to negate it. She made a point of assuring me that she wants me in her life, she was pleading with me to never leave her." He closed his eyes and took several slow deep breaths, "This is what I have searched for my entire 148 years on earth as a human and as a vampire. Someone who wants me, but I am not sure she want the real me, all of me."  
  
"If my chip fails, and I go mad then she has to stake me or she decides she wants a child, or someone who will age with her, and she cast me out. I don't know, I am sure that this is 'the Powers' way of torturing me, extracting payment for having her back."  
  
"Spike 'the Powers' are never that vicious. I think we both need to search the archives and see what the ramifications are and if it is possible to negate it. Do you want to?"  
  
"No I don't, not now. I need to take this slowly. I can't push her. I want her to love me, all of me vampire, man, demon, and poor romantic fool that I still am. Just the way I love her." He murmured.  
  
"Spike, We're way beyond our time for tonight. But you need to talk this through, I'll be happy to see you again tomorrow evening. Is that Ok?" Jule asked.  
  
"Right, I see you after sunset, I'll see what I can find in Rupe's books" he stood slowly.  
  
Jule walked him out of the office, and gave him a much-needed hug.  
  
Spike slowly wandered down the street heading toward 1630 Revello Dr. Buffy was waiting to patrol. He felt her nervous energy deep inside his chest. 


	15. Therapy Chapter 15

Chapter 15/ Therapy Disclaimer in chapter 1  
  
Tara stopped by the 'Espresso Pump' on her way down the street. As she stood in line to place her order, Buffy and Willow came in the door and called out to greet her.  
  
"Hi you two." She said.  
  
"Hi yourself." Responded Buffy.  
  
Willow timidly greeted her, "Um, ah, hi, how are you ?"  
  
"I'm studying for midterms. How have you been? You're looking so much better." Tara answered.  
  
"Thanks" Willow replied.  
  
"Tara you haven't heard the news," Buffy said, "The council has decided to pay me, so I quit DMP, and Wil moved back to the dorm. Dawn and I need to work on our relationship, and Wil wants to be on her own."  
  
"OH, Buffy that's great, Dawn really needs you. You know that. And Willow I am proud of you. I knew you could be strong." Tara answered.  
  
"Maybe I'll see you around campus." Willow said hopefully.  
  
"I'm sure you will, but right now I've gotta run, I have an appointment in about 10 minutes. I'll see you." Tara said as she took her coffee and left.  
  
"See" Buffy said, "She still wants to see you, and I'm sure you two can work it out Wil."  
  
Tara entered Jule's door jingling the bell to announce her presents.  
  
"Good morning Tara" Jule called. "Come on back."  
  
Tara walked to the office, "Hi Jule."  
  
"Well let's get started" Jule said.  
  
"Sure, Um I just ran into Willow, and she is looking much better." Tara told Jule.  
  
"How do you feel about that?"  
  
"I'm glad she's healing. But it's still hard to see her."  
  
"In what way is it hard?" Jule questioned.  
  
"I just want to hold her, but I'm still afraid of her in some way. I mean she still hasn't figures out what she did wrong. "Tara answered.  
  
"After my mom died, my father and brothers treated me like I was property, not a person. They kept drumming into my head that I was a demon, and I couldn't ever live away from them after I turned 20. No one would want me."  
  
"But then I met Willow, and the whole gang. They fought for me, made me believe in myself. I became a person. I am someone, not something, not chattel."  
  
"When Glory stole my mind, she but me back in that 'place' she left me feeling alone, loathsome, and dirty."  
  
"Do you mean physically or sexually?" Jule queried.  
  
"Both, it was awful. I couldn't find a way out; I just kept getting deeper into the darkness, more lost. Some part of me knew it wasn't real, but I couldn't get out."  
  
"Willow found me, she pulled me out of it. I don't think she knows what she saved me from. I think she thinks she just 'fixed' me." Tara sobbed.  
  
"Why do you think that?"  
  
"If she had been there, in that place, she never would have played with my mind. She would have known how awful it was."  
  
"It's like she has no respect for my rights, or my self esteem. She doesn't value my privacy."  
  
"Have you talked to her?"  
  
"I tried before I left but she wanted to make it all about her magic use. That was part of it, but the worst was the way she violated my mind. All of the gang think it was just the magic use."  
  
"Do you think any of the gang understand what it is you're feeling?" Jule asked.  
  
"I think Spike might, His mind was violated by the Initiative physically when they put the chip in."  
  
"Interesting, do you feel it necessary for them to understand your point of view?"  
  
"Yes and no. They are really Willow's friends, but after all this time, I feel like Anya, Spike, Dawn and I have sort of formed a secondary gang." Tara sighed. "The originals are Buffy, Willow, Xander, and Giles, so we sort of orbit around the rest of them."  
  
"Wish I could help Dawn to understand what's happening with us all, but I want to protect her innocence from the pains of grownup life. I'm sure Anya knows more than she lefts on, but she has a problem with when to say things." Tara shook her head.  
  
"Maybe you should talk with the 'secondary team' it might give you the practice to talk with Willow." Jule suggested.  
  
"You have a point, I think I'll try Spike. I know he can keep his mouth shut." Tara declared.  
  
"Why do you say that?" Jule asked.  
  
"I know a couple of secrets, that he knows. He hasn't spilled them, and I'm the only other one that knows them." Tara confided.  
  
"Plus I think he'd be the one to understand the feeling of your mind being violated. He honestly seems to be more empathetic them any of the others. I guess it's because he has lived so long."  
  
"Doesn't it bother you that he's a vampire?" Jule was perplexed.  
  
"No, he's only 'hurt' me once. And that was to save me." Tara stated.  
  
"How did he 'save' you?"  
  
"My father and brother showed up to take me back to Oregon on my 20th birthday. The gang was arguing with them, and when Anya asked 'What kind of demon is she?' they couldn't answer. Spike jumped in and said he could solve the problem, then he punched me in my nose."  
  
"How did hitting you save you?" Jule asked.  
  
"It hurt him, the chip said I was human, 100% human." Tara chuckled." Then he backed my father down and I stayed here. I was free of the 'family curse' and became a member of the gang."  
  
"I see. What is it you want to say to Willow that you're having such a hard time saying?" Jule asked.  
  
"I want her to see just how much she damaged my trust in her. It's more important to me than the misuse of magic. But that the magic is a big part of it to." Tara exhaled.  
  
"We use to share our views on magic and how it should be used, but she became dependent on it. She used it to even turn pages in a book. That's too much. You have to stay in balance with the energy of the whole." Tara stressed.  
  
"Sometimes just being around her effected me, made me feel out of kilter, dizzy sort of. Does that make any sense?" Tara asked.  
  
"Yes it does. I think if you go over what it is you want to say a few more times you'll feel at easy saying it." Jule replied.  
  
"I think I'll invite Willow for coffee when I'm ready. You really have helped me. It is so hard to say these things in you head and have them make sense."  
  
"Well Tara time is almost up. Do you want to make another appointment?"  
  
"Yes, but I think I'll call you later to set the date, I need to get to the library for some last minute studying this morning, I have an English Lit midterm in about 2 hours." Tara answered.  
  
"Ok then, I look forward to your call." Jule said rising from her chair.  
  
"Yep I need to run, see you later." Tara called as she headed out of the office. 


	16. Therapy Chapter 16

Chapter 16/ Therapy Disclaimer in chapter 1  
  
Tara was standing at the door to Spike's crypt, knocking. She eased the door open after hearing him answer.  
  
"Hey Spike. I'm not disturbing you am I?" she hesitantly asked.  
  
"Glinda, Come on in. I won't eat you." He grabbed a beer from his frig. "What's wrong?"  
  
"Nothings wrong, I need to ask a favor." She said.  
  
"What can I do for you?" he gazed at her quizzically.  
  
"Well, I need to talk some things out, about Willow, and I think you might understand it better than the others. You know?"  
  
"What makes you think that pet?"  
  
"You've kinda been through the same sort of thing."  
  
"I've never had a witch as a lover, Tinkerbell." He replied.  
  
"No but you've had to deal with someone else messing with your mind. You've got your chip, and I had Glory in mine." She almost pled.  
  
"Yeah, I guess that is similar, so what do you need to talk about?" Spike asked.  
  
"I want to talk to Willow about how much she hurt me, how much she betrayed my trust." She plucked at her shirtfront.  
  
"Come on have a seat and tell me what's on your mind then." He sighed.  
  
Tara sat on Spike's couch as he flopped into his chair.  
  
"I've been seeing a therapist, and she suggested I practice so I would be clear when I talked to Wil." She said.  
  
"Practice away, luv." Spike answered.  
  
"Ok, I worked long and hard to gain my self esteem when I began to be a part of the gang. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. When Glory took part of my mind, she violated me. She put me in a dark ugly place."  
  
"Even though Willow brought me back and regained my mind for me, it's still a tender place, one that I guard very much. It's private. " She looked into Spike's face.  
  
"But when Willow worked a Lethe spell to make me forget our argument, when I found out I felt like I had been raped in a way. I became afraid of her."  
  
Tara's eyes began to water, "She is so powerful, that not only can she go into my mind and change it the way she wants. I couldn't even tell she had done it, much less stop her."  
  
"Pet," Spike moved over to sit by Tara, "I ... do you need a hug?"  
  
Tara nodded her head like a little girl, and snuggled into his arms much like Dawn did.  
  
"Hurts don't it? Yet you still love her." He murmured as he stroked her hair.  
  
"I want to go back, to be with her, but I'm still afraid. I know she's quit using magic. But she still thinks it was all about that." She said.  
  
"Why not tell her just what you've said to me? You made it real plain." He suggested.  
  
"Yeah, but you know what it's like, to lose your free will. Don't you?" she asked.  
  
"I do. It's soddin' terrifyin'. Ya see the mind is what makes you who you are. When some git goes muckin' about in it, you aren't you anymore." He answered.  
  
Tara replied, "It makes me wonder if I Love her, or if it's something someone put it there? I know I love her, but is it really me?"  
  
Spike looked stunned. "You loved her before all this mind messin' started dint ya?"  
  
"You're right I did." She answered brightly.  
  
"You got one up on me then, I don't know if it really is my choice or if it's this blasted chip." He growled.  
  
"Why didn't you kill Buffy before the chip?" Tara asked.  
  
"I couldn't, never took her in a fair fight." He answered.  
  
"Why was it so important to 'take her' in a fair fight? Why not knock her out, shoot her, use a dart gun? "  
  
"I ...respected her, and as the Big Bad, I could be sneaking up on her like some sorta coward. Had to be face to face in battle." He snapped.  
  
"If you say so, I think its cause you were in love with her even then."  
  
"You're too much of a romantic for your own good witch." He snarled.  
  
"Yeah I'm a witch, and I know you didn't ask me and neither did Buffy, but I can see the aura around the both of you. It's real, it's not the chip, and it's not a spell." She stated.  
  
"You can see that?" Spike asked. "Just by looking at us?"  
  
"Yes I can. I hope that answered your uncertainty."  
  
"Thanks Glinda, it did, and I hope you can talk to your girl now." He replied.  
  
"You know I think I just might be able to. Thank you Spike."  
  
"If you want to thank me, how bout helpin' out with a little research I need done?" He asked.  
  
"I am sure the gang can help." She answered.  
  
"No, none of them can know anything about this." He stated.  
  
"Ok, I can research but what is it?" She was confused.  
  
"I need to know about mating claims, Vampire-human claims to be specific." He stared at her.  
  
"As in you want to claim Buffy?" Tara looked frightened.  
  
"No as in ...you can't tell a soul do you hear me!" he commanded.  
  
"I hear you, what is it?" she hesitated.  
  
"Buffy claimed me." Spike closed his eyes and swallowed. "I need to know what could happen, can it be reversed, and do I need to."  
  
"Why would you want to?" Confusion bloomed on Tara's face.  
  
"Ok 'When two shall exchange blood, make their claim and accept them whilst in consummation, they are mated well and truly for all times, even beyond this earthly plane' is the wording." He answered.  
  
"I need to know if she's in danger. That line about beyond this earthly plane is mucking with strong mojo."  
  
"I can see why you're concerned. Are you in any danger?"  
  
"Not that I can tell, but I'm connected to her emotionally now. I feel everything she does." Spike whispered.  
  
"That's got to be scary. I'll see what I can find out." Tara promised. 


	17. Therapy Chapter 17

Chapter 17/ Therapy Disclaimers in chapter 1  
  
Buffy walked into Jule's office for her session, and Jule called her back.  
  
"So how's it goin'?" Buffy asked as she sat down.  
  
"Fine and how have you been?" Jule responded.  
  
"I've had a wonderful week. Wil moved back to campus. Dawn and I are actually talking to each other. And I have made some decisions about who and what is important in my life." Buffy spouted.  
  
"What decisions would those be?"  
  
"Well, the gang will just have to live their own lives. It is not my job to be there for them. I quit the DMP cause the Council is paying me now." She smiled.  
  
"I've applies to UCSunnydale for next term. And I guess the biggest change is I have decided to be open with a relationship I've kinda been in for a while." Buffy confessed.  
  
"What relationship is that?" Jule asked.  
  
"Well you know how I talked about being numb, and that there was only one person I felt comfortable with." She hedged.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Well Spike and I have been having an affair, the sex has been earth shaking and but I was afraid to let anyone know." She stammered.  
  
"You and Spike?"  
  
"Yeah, but I told Dawn, and now I think I'm ready to tell the rest of the gang."  
  
Jule rubbed her chin, "Buffy why are you afraid to let people know?"  
  
"After what Angel put everyone through I've been nervous."  
  
"Is that the real reason?"  
  
"I kept telling myself it was because he didn't have a soul." Buffy admitted.  
  
"With that in mind, are you sure you know how serious you are about this relationship. You said it was an affair. Is it more than sex?" Jule questioned.  
  
"I want it to be, I know ---I know, me slayer, him vampire. He's an evil soulless thing, but..."she shrugged.  
  
"He loves me, not for being the slayer, and not as some girl he wants to put on a pedestal. He loves all of me." She blinked.  
  
"He takes whatever I throw his way and comes back for more. I trust him, not completely, but more than any one else in my life." She stated.  
  
"Why is trust so important to you?" Jule quizzed.  
  
"Everyone I have every trusted has left. But I know he won't. I can be a real bitch. I've beaten the hell out him regularly, for the last two years."  
  
"You've been violent toward him? Does he return it?" Jule asked.  
  
"No, not until the first night we were together. He has the chip." Buffy acted put out. "Besides beating on him is like third base. He's a vampire remember."  
  
"You really believe that? Do you know anything about vampire hierarchy?"  
  
"They form families, ruled by eldest Sire. The 'Sire' of the family rules with absolute violent discipline." Buffy parroted.  
  
"No Buffy, that is only rarely the case. The majority of Sire/ Chylde bonds are built on love, and protection."  
  
Buffy sat with her mouth open, "The Master, Darla and Angelus...."  
  
"Were the exception, not the rule. The violence is common in some of the older bloodlines." Jule explained.  
  
Jule continued, "Sexual relations within a 'Vampire Family' may appear violent to a human, but it's because they feel lust so deeply, and they are inhumanly strong."  
  
She cleared her throat, "Vampires feel every emotion more intensely than humans."  
  
"But they're demons, Hello, not suppose to have feelings." Buffy quipped.  
  
"Would it surprise you to know that right now 33% of my practice is vampires?"  
  
"Why do they come to you?" Buffy scrunched her forehead.  
  
"Most of them are here to handle emotional pain or stress. They have trouble with grief and rage mostly, but some have been scarred by abuse." "What kind of abuse would scar a Vamp?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Being demeaned by a lover, or family member, is usually the cause." Jule replied.  
  
"Demeaned, in what way?"  
  
"Being told they aren't up to standard, or aren't 'good' enough to be part of the family. Actually it's like being bullied in school. The constant put down of self esteem." Jule answered.  
  
"Spike doesn't have that problem, He's always strutting around like he's the 'Big Bad' cocky you know?" rationalized Buffy.  
  
"Vampires like humans, tend to put up a front to avoid pain. Look at the 'cocky' humans you have known." Jule directed.  
  
"You mean like Larry and the 'jocks' in high school?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Exactly. Most were probably scared to show they softer side for fear of being hurt."  
  
"Oh, I hadn't thought about it like that." Buffy stared off into space.  
  
"You said he fought you, the night you started your affair. Why was that the catalyst for the relationship?" probed Jule.  
  
"He was bugging me, following me around. Saying he loved me. Getting on my nerves about a kiss or two." She snorted.  
  
"Did he initiate the kisses?" Jule posed.  
  
"No, I kissed him, I was feeling lost, alone. It just happened." Buffy explained.  
  
"I find that hard to believe, you're the slayer. Kissing a vampire doesn't just happen." Jule chided her.  
  
"Honestly... There has always been this tension between us. A kind of electric spark. Has been since the first time we met." Buffy admitted.  
  
"Going up against him in a fight always left me twitchy, off balance. He said we were just 'dancing'. How lame can you get?" She snickered.  
  
"But in a way he's right. It's like we know just what move the other will use, we land blows but neither one ever wins. We're like a matched pair." Her eyes had a far away gaze.  
  
"If he has the chip how did he fight you?" asked Jule.  
  
"At the time, he said it was because I came back wrong, but Tara checked. There is a sub-molecular difference in me, and his chip doesn't register me as human." Explained Buffy.  
  
"When we fight it's not just physical, but verbally too. He was really getting to me. I kissed him to shut him up. And all of a sudden, I wanted him. I needed that fire. I started it."  
  
"You are aware that biting is often a climactic part of sex to a vampire. Aren't you leery that he may hurt you?" Jule questioned.  
  
"No I trust him." Buffy declared.  
  
"That's twice you've said that you trust him. Not to bit you, or harm you. And not to leave you. Why?"  
  
"I...eh... sorta claimed him." Blushing Buffy looked at Jule.  
  
"As the slayer, I assume you realize just what that means?"  
  
"Yeah he's bound to me." She chirped.  
  
"Buffy, You are a human. The only type of claim you could make on a vampire, a Master vampire, is one of mate." Jule stated.  
  
"Yeah, I know that. But short shelf life here. Slayers don't live long. It's not like I'll ever get married."  
  
Jule resettled in her chair, "Do you know what this does to him? What it should do to you? You will be feeling everything that he feels, you become a conduit for his emotions.What danger it puts you both in?"  
  
"What danger? I mean I'm not feeling his emotions. It just means that he won't ever leave me. That's all." She looked perplexed.  
  
"It means cannot leave; not won't leave you. And it marks him to all the other demons as impure. It will imply weakness." Jule intoned.  
  
"What weakness? He's as strong as I am."  
  
"Who do you think is the most hated human on earth by the demon population?" Jule asked.  
  
"Oh" Buffy looked thunderstruck.  
  
"Demons may try to use him against you. Your weak spot." She stressed.  
  
"Oh No. I should have thought about that. The local demons hate him as it is. Because he fights with us, I ... oh god what have I done?" Buffy wept softly.  
  
"I think you reacted from a primal emotion. But I believe you need to discuss this with him. Openly, and listen to what is said. Ask questions if you are not perfectly clear of the ramifications." Jule counseled.  
  
"I can't question the claim, it means too much to him. He thought I wanted to deny it at first. It broke my heart I felt so sad, so empty just to see the pain in his face." Buffy sobbed.  
  
"He actually cried. I can't hurt him like that."  
  
"Are you sure that you were not feeling his emotions? I didn't say deny it, I said discuss it, and all it means. You have every right; after all you are not a vampire. The lore is not common knowledge." Jule clarified.  
  
"I can do that. I need to do that and so does he." She smiled gently.  
  
"Good, Now I'll see you and Dawn both Friday. Have a good week." Jule said.  
  
"Till Friday then, Bye." Buffy called as she left the office. 


	18. Therapy Chapter 18

Chapter 18/Therapy Disclaimer in chapter 1  
  
The sun had just slipped beyond the horizon when Spike entered Jules office that evening. He was tense, his jaw clenched, his whole body fairly vibrating. Jule ushered him in, offering a cuppa, which he gratefully accepted.  
  
"I called in a few favors, and have some information on the way from London." She told him.  
  
"I checked out old Rupes private watchers library last night. But..." He looked lost. "I didn't find anything useful, or anymore informative than yours truly. I'll return them, start with his magic books tonight."  
  
He inhaled deeply, "Was reading today, mid afternoon I had to stop, came all over shaky, like I wanted to cry, felt like my chest was being crushed."  
  
"I think I know why. You were feeling Buffy. She was here for a session." Jule chewed the inside of her lip.  
  
"What got her so upset?" He asked.  
  
"You know I can't tell you. You do need to let her know how much of her emotions you feel." Jule said  
  
"I haven't really had much time to research, but one of my sources asked some interesting questions." Jule continued, "I know you are shunned by the demon community, but will this cause you trouble. Can others tell who the claimant is?"  
  
"I haven't thought about it. I don't think they can 'tell'. The scar isn't a regular, or normal mating mark." He answered. "But they can smell her on me. And they do know that aroma."  
  
"Ok, Well my next question is not easy to answer. You need to think this one through. Could this claim be used against Buffy? What I mean is could a threat to you, be used to handicap her?" her face was lined with concern.  
  
"Oh Balls! I didn't see that one. I don't think so, I mean she's made it plain she doesn't 'Love' me; she says she has feelings, and wants me to stay with her. Her little sis or her mates now, different tale there."  
  
"Is it possible that this 'emotional conduit' could became reciprocal?" she asked.  
  
"I really don't know, The way it is now I shouldn't feel her, but I do." He stated.  
  
"Is it likely you would bite her in passion?"  
  
"I haven't so far. Haven't had human blood, other than bagged in so long, I can keep the demon under control without a lot of trouble." He replied.  
  
"Until we get some more information, this is all just speculation. But maybe you ought to talk to her about your fears." Jule offered.  
  
"How did you get so wise?" He stared at her, "Sure you're not some ancient demon?"  
  
Jule giggled, "Nope, No demon just study creatures of all kinds. The empathic abilities help a lot."  
  
Spike just shook his head and sighed.  
  
"So what else has been happening?" Jule probed. "When you left you said you wanted her to love all of you. Do you think she understands that you feel emotional pain, and fear?"  
  
"I doubt it, she's still not at ease with herself. She's dumping stuff left and right. Mostly things that worry her, or cause her stress."  
  
"I have some suggestions, or exercises you may need to ponder. First you must discuss the way her verbal condemnations effect your emotions. But the most important part of that is to keep you temper, or rage under control."  
  
"What? Open up and be all broody like the poof?" he snapped.  
  
"Yes, open up, but no brooding. Do you wish to 'practice' with me?" Jule asked. "I can help edit how you say it all, so the rage doesn't show like it just did."  
  
"Oh caught that did you? I guess. Where do think I should start?" He looked like a little boy being chastised.  
  
"Why not start with what hurts you the most?"  
  
He puffed up, "I'm a vampire, I don't get hurt like some nancy-boy all boo hoo hoo."  
  
"Bull!" Jule snapped. "I do know about Angelus, He was not only violent. He was and still is a master at mental, and emotional pain. You learned to cover it. You're still covering."  
  
Spike shot straight up and began to pace. Jule just watched him. After a few minutes she spoke softly, "I am not going to hurt you or push you."  
  
She continued, "I won't tell you that the things we work on won't hurt, but when a bone heals wrong it must be reset. Only then can it be strong and healthy."  
  
Spike stopped pacing and stared at her, "So you're saying I have to dig it all up to do away with it?"  
  
"Pretty much, yes."  
  
He slowly sat again, clenching his hands and jaw repeatedly. After several deep breaths, he slowly raised his head and looked directly into Jule's eyes. Blinking once he asked, "How do we start?"  
  
Jule cleared her throat, "I need cover a few things first, ok?"  
  
"Go ahead."  
  
"Can a vampire be hypnotized?" She queried.  
  
"No"  
  
"Do you know anything about meditation, and if you do, what type?"  
  
"Well, now...I studied a few of the Asian philosophers, and have practiced centering, and regulating the flow of the inner chi. Hoped it would help Dru." Puzzlement showed on his face.  
  
"Excellent! You will be dealing with some very raw and powerful emotions and reactions, I think to be on the safe side if may be wise for you to enter a centered state."  
  
Jule further explained, "It will aid in reaching the seeds of the trouble, and help you maintain control of your demon."  
  
"Give us a few minutes here pet, I'll get ready." Spike closed his eyes, and even though he had no need of it, began to breath deeply, in a steady peaceful rhythm.  
  
After about fifteen minutes his eyes slowly opened, and Jule could almost see the calmness floating around him, like an early morning fog.  
  
"Spike what has Buffy said to you that has caused you the most pain?" gently Jule asked.  
  
"That I am dead inside. I can feel, I do hurt, and I do love. My physical heart may not beat, but I do have one."  
  
"What else?"  
  
"That I can't understand what she's feeling. I asked her to explain it to me. I 'm pretty good at watching people and understanding their actions, and reactions. But I can't read her bleedin' mind. All she shows is disgust, rage or apathy."  
  
"What is it you want most from her?"  
  
"I want, hell, I need for her to accept me, and not her cartoon character notion of what I am. I need to know she understands what a vampire is not what the soddin' watchers say we are, then maybe she'll let me in."  
  
"What do you see vampires as?" Jule probed.  
  
"We were humans, there are now demons in residence in us. We still remember our lives. The demons are driven by the most powerful emotions, lust, anger, and hate." He blinked his eyes and swallowed.  
  
"We feel the whole spectrum of emotions. We as a species do not kill simply for sport. The bloodlust in a fledgling is a survival drive. Most are driven by a rage. "  
  
He stopped and rolled his neck, "The rage is seated in our lives as humans. I was proper Victorian gentility. We never expressed 'base' emotions, like anger, pain, or passion; men were not allowed to show their hurts. Everything was repressed, had to be a proper gentleman."  
  
"I was not truly of the peerage, but on the fringes of society. I was ridiculed, I was the buffoon. I had to acquiesce. When I was sired...."  
  
"Darla despised me, Angelus resented me. He was a merchant's son, a drunken lay-about. His father despised him. I was what he had never been in life nor could he become. Dru thought I was one of her playthings."  
  
He took several centering breaths; "I endured brutality, physical, sexual, mental, and emotional at Angelus and Darla's hands, until I became Spike."  
  
"Angelus wanted to be the cock of the walk to impress me with his strength and depravity. I adopted a rough cockney accent, and became little more than a drunken brawler. I never did use railroad spikes on humans with one exception." He grimaced.  
  
"The night I died, I was at a social. I heard everything the Jonathon Asbury IV said about me. I heard the laughter in response to his 'humor' and I quote..."  
  
"'Yes that's William 'the bloody' bloody awful poet that is. I would rather have a railroad spike driven through my head then to have to listen to that dreadful stuff.' He got his wish."  
  
"I created the image of a big bad being. I truly went looking for the first slayer. I wanted her to end my misery, or if I were lucky enough to escape death, to scare Angelus and Darla into respecting me."  
  
"The poof had just disappeared in 1898, after the Romany cursed him, but suddenly he was back in the midst of the Boxer Rebellion. I wanted him and Darla to just go. Leave Dru and I."  
  
"Until he had gone off with his soul, Dru was like a pathetic lost child begging after him for a scrap of his attention and abuse. Once he'd left she had begun to rely on me, she needed me. Then he was back and she was prowling around him trying to get his attention. I was desperate to 'out evil' him." He shook his head.  
  
"Did it work?"  
  
"NO, he still had his soul. Darla went on a rampage, and I took Dru and ran, as fast as I could back to Europe. The soul turned Dru right off, she prattled on about how her 'daddy' was gone, all locked in a cage. When we got there I found that I was a 'celebrity' I had slain a slayer."  
  
He blinked back moisture, "Others respected me, or feared me. It made life easier with Dru. I was her Bad Boy. I created a cadre of minions to serve us, I wanted her life to be that of a princess."  
  
"Do you need to stop?" Jule softly asked.  
  
Spike nodded his head in negation, "We lived in Paris, Madrid, Rome. The World Wars was like Disneyland with so much death, we grew over confident, and lazy."  
  
Spike took a sip of his cold tea, "When they ended I took Dru and we fled to South America, it was still a wilderness. Then we came north to the States. The Big Apple."  
  
"Thought we didn't need to be so bloody careful. There was a 'turf war'. I really didn't go after the second slayer. She came after me. Again I was 'infamous'."  
  
"But Dru wanted to return to Europe so we came back to the Slavic region. Then while we were in Prague she heard that Angel was in the States."  
  
"She went barmy. Got herself attack by a mob backed by some of the remaining Romany. We ran back to South America, that's where I heard about the Hellmouth."  
  
"Had started in this direction, and in Mexico heard that the Slayer had taken out the Master. Figured to use my 'infamy' and my bloodline to keep her at bay and get Dru strong again."  
  
"Then go away. Live a life of ease with my plum. And you know the rest."  
  
"Do you think you can say that to Buffy?" Jule questioned.  
  
"No, she never let's me finish a thought, some of our biggest arguments have been because she jumps in mid sentence." He looked at his hands in his lap.  
  
"I'm unsure what you mean. Would you explain it, please?" confusion showed in Jule's face.  
  
"The morning after we had sex the first time, I had almost convinced her to stay with me. I had started to say, I knew the only thing better than killing a slayer would be finally loving one."  
  
He shrugged, "But she jumped in before I finished, thinking I was saying I just wanted to 'DO' her. She didn't let me finish the word 'finally', thinkin' I'd use a crude word like'fucking' when shag sounds so much better.. Then..."  
  
"The night that girl died, in the alley I was trying to say, give me your anger, dump all your rage on me. When I said 'That's my girl'. It was like a cheer, I didn't mean as my 'girlfriend'. You know what happened then."  
  
"First things first. You must tell her that you need to talk to her, and ask her to please be silent, when you are finished she can question you. Just listen to what you say." Jule advised.  
  
"I don't know if she listen that long." He said.  
  
"Write her a letter. Ask her to listen, if that doesn't work, suggest that you both come to see me. You need to work on this together, not from opposite ends."  
  
"Why not just write everything in the letter? It would be easier." He asked.  
  
"Seeing your face will convey more to her than written words." Jule answered. "Your face shows more emotion and truth, than most of the humans I know. Spike, you are a truly unique creature."  
  
"Thank you...I think" He stuttered.  
  
"Well our time is up, and I think we'll just wait until next Monday, unless you find out anything about the claim. If you do please call, and we'll work something out." Jule stood up.  
  
Spike rose out of his chair, stretching like a cat, "Ta pet, see, you next week." 


End file.
